Be that Friend Who’s Smoked Crack


It’s over. You wanted to kiss that one person on their pee-pee? Too late. It’s week 12, the season finale, over anticipated, ultimately underwhelming, and at least one thing will make you cringe. I can’t speak for everyone but when I get home I like to be the zaniest character around. Oh what’s that? That’s the banter bus and I’m in the driver’s seat. But you don’t get pedal-to-the-medal banter with medium grade parties, a fairly respectable group of friends, and all of your stories starting with “so this one time I was pretty fucked up and…” But like the old saying goes, the real spunk comes from taking things to a spunkier level. Here are a few routes for being that friend.

Be the friend who has done crack cocaine once.

Crack cocaine-not a big stretch from coke itself, the Tim Hortons Coffee in a Starbucks world. It’s like having sex in a forest, it will probably be fun but no-one really knows what it’s going to entail. Most importantly, its way better talking point at a party. I personally don’t know anyone, save Rob- RIP, that has done crack, and honestly I wish I did. So I’m standing here-just a girl, asking you- just a hater, to try Crack once just so we can have that one friend.

Be the friend who has hooked-up with someone in your local mob scene, didn’t text them back, and get bi-annual photos of their close family sent to them from an anonymous email address.

Oh you thought the crack cocaine is a rush? Try dangling your life in front of a family capable of doing all the things you’ve seen in movies but like probably with drones because its 2016 now. They probably have like apps now too. Ha-ha the future.

Be the friend who has hosted a mixer with their professors and made uncomfortable sexual jokes all night while not serving an appropriate amount of mini foods

It’s simple, but potent.

Be the friend who has had a four day bender with a non-drug induced hallucination of their version of God.

Easter is a great time for this, religion is in the air, and it’s topical and sexy. Jesus died for your sins so you may as well sin for his death. God maybe be dead, but your small talk sure won’t be!

Be the friend who raised an illegal pet only to turn its life into a dank meme.

One word- Dank Memes.

Be the friend who did a mediocre cover of an Adele song but got over 1k likes on Facebook and now makes opinionated vlogs that always start with “Sorry I haven’t posted in a while guys.”

This last one I’d like to restrict to one to two friends tops- mostly because it’s unbearable. But there’s nothing more millennia then sucking the internet’s dick and being less then moderately famous off one shitty post.

What I really just want to leave with you is: Be the friend you wish to see at the party.