Thanks to the extremely weak immune systems of all the frosh, pit flu has now evolved into a superbug capable of infecting the rest of the Queen’s community. I myself was infected over a week ago and have been suffering with the sniffles ever since. So, to anyone who got sick before me and then coughed without covering your mouth or forgot to wash your hands even once: Fuck You. Inspired by the hardships I’ve had to face ever since receiving this morbid plague, I’ve decided to present the [insert a random fucking number] worst things about being sick on campus.
- Going to class – Staying awake in class is already a marathon of will power, now I’m expected to do it in a weakened condition? Plus, I’ve got to deal with everyone else around me complaining about how I’m coughing on the back their head. Who are you to restrict my learning experience? Last time I checked this was Canada, the land of the free, free to cough wherever I damn well please.
- Making Food – I am forced to sustain myself on Kraft Dinner and Mini Wheats for 200 days of the year. I can’t afford to mix chicken noodle soup into the meal plan! Do you know how many cans of chicken noodle soup I need to sustain myself? Like 2-3 per day! That’s like $5.28! I can’t even work to generate funds because I’m so sick!
- Medicine – Tylenol is like the cocaine of cold medications. It makes you feel way better and it costs a lot. I’ve gone through over 30 pills and I’m still not better. Clearly I need to switch to actual cocaine. Before you say “that’s probably not the best idea”, just think, have you ever seen Rob Ford with a cold? That’s what I thought.
- Drinking – Thank god I didn’t waste my money on food or medicine, so I can afford to go out. Don’t drink while on medication? That doesn’t even affect me! Unfortunately, my body can’t handle the demanding needs of taking shots and dancing all night long, so now I have to go home early to an empty house and try and get a good night’s sleep. You know what? Fuck being sick. I’m going home to my parents house for the rest of week. #GoMom