This week, Queen’s Bio ‘15 Emily Keller told a gathered press conference, “Whoa, guys. If you really think about it: plants are weird as shit.” This comes on the heels of her publishing a groundbreaking but also controversial paper called “Analysing the Biological Implications of the Atypical Structure, Ultrastructure, and origins of Earth’s Flora”, which seeks to explain how plants are “basically alien life-forms.”
“Like if you were to crash land on a distant alien world and you just saw some trees – you would think they were some odd ground spores coming to attack you,” said Keller, adding that “we don’t even really know how these things really work”. The paper of over 5000 words expands on her theory that many features of plant structure such as photosynthesis, the dual reproductive organs of the pistil and stamen, and general weird-looking appearance make flora “like something out of H.P. Lovecraft’s nightmares”.
She elaborated “like take a step back man. These fuckin things take sunlight and turn it into goddamn energy. You know what else does that? Solar panels. These are more machines than life! We’ve already achieved convergence, and it was 420 million years ago.” This was followed by snickers from the audience of esteemed journalists at the word “420”. Nonetheless, the paper is making waves in the (Queen’s) scientific community. Biology Professor Dr. Marcus Aurelius, DDS said in a tweet “this is a breakthrough for plant biology studies #truthbombs”.
Principal Daniel Woolf said “We are extremely proud of Queen’s students embarking on such incredible and groundbreaking research. Hopefully they remember to keep the Queen’s Initiative Campaign in their hearts after they win the Nobel Prize.”
Keller has been working on this thesis for the good part of two years. She was first inspired by by that one time she was “completely sober” and laid in a field for a few hours and appreciated “the wonder and power of mother nature”. “I was just, like, so inspired. When the day turned to night, and I suddenly became terrified as to whether or not the grass was going to become a hive-minded beast and swallow me alive, the idea hit me that plants are bizarre as fuck.”
The paper goes on to rule out Intelligent Design, once and for all, as a probable explanation for plant life, as “it remains extremely doubtful that anything intelligent could have created such an aberration as plant life. They are clearly the result of random chemical reactions smashing together to create these horrors.” Several scientific publications such as The Journal of Experimental Biology have been skeptical to publish the paper, saying that they do not think such bold and erroneous statements like “fucking Venus Fly-Trap’s defy all logic and consume bug meat for energy like an animal. That’s like straight out of Alien”.
Queen’s biology has already seen a significant influx of funding and applications since the paper’s publication. Adam Kwon, a Grade 12 student and potentially world changing biologist, said at Queen’s open house: “now that this news has come out, I feel like Queen’s could be the place for me to explore my thesis that spiders are the spawn of Satan.” Frequent donor Alfred Bader pledged an additional $5 million to the school for “increased research in the exciting field of plant weirdness”, with plans in the works to build a “super trippy greenhouse” complete with mushrooms.
Meanwhile, Keller plans to continue her studies in the masters program next year by studying “the various freaky sex positions of the animal kingdom”, which she hopes will finally make her mother proud.