Bitter Horoscopes


Aries (March 21 – April 20 (420 blazeeee whattttt!))
As the sun is in the sky this month during the daylight hours, you can expect a stray quarter dropped from space to by Scott Kelly, an American Astronaut reputed for being partial to giving small change to hard hitting comedy newspapers struggling to make the digital jump. A quarter rains down from the heavens. It seems like a blessing, but it is, in fact a curse. Presuming that quarter doesn’t burn up upon entering the atmosphere, it is going to collide with your head travelling at approximately 190 mp/h. As the mythbusters have pointed out, that won’t kill you – but it will hurt like a bitch and remind you of the fragility of life in a universe governed by seemingly no rules. There is no God. And if there is, it is an angry, Old Testament-style God with a capital YHWH named Astronaut Scott Kelly, hell-bent on destroying the human race one quarter at a time. 
Taurus (April 21 – May 21) 
Good thing your astrological sign is a bull, because this day is about to be some bullshit! You forget to grab breakfast before your six hour block of class. Also, you have incredible low blood sugar. Getting out of the lecture, you desperately need a snack to stay conscious. You run to the nearest vending machine, hands shaking as you attempt to pull the change out of your wallet. All you need is $1.25 for a granola bar, and you are…25 cents short. No, no, NO! You collapse on the floor and black out just in time to be trampled by the stampede of first year’s rushing into the ARC. 
Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
You awake. Except it feels like a dream. You are inside of the Gemini spacecraft from the mid 60s. It’s a two-person craft, but you are alone and terrified. A sensor starts blinking red. Then another. And another. Soon the whole panel is lighting up with problems you can’t solve, because you are not an astronaut. Over your headset comes a voice from afar “Gemini 7, come in. Gemini 7 are you a go for re-entry?” You reply that “the whole this has gone to hell, all our sensors are failing! If this keeps up we are going to re-enter the atmosphere at the wrong angle and burn up!” You say this as if it’s a dismal affair, but in reality you secretly wish for the warm embrace of death as it will release you from this nightmare. But instead they calmly say “It’s OK. you just need to burn your number two thruster for ten seconds and that will get you back on course.” You sigh and make the adjustment. The re-entry goes as plan and you land safely back on Earth hailed as a hero by your country men. But you can’t take the champagne and ticker tape parades. They’re not for you. No, instead you buy a nice piece of farmland in Ohio. There you meet a nice local girl, Cheryl and fall in love. You live an earnest, simple life together with her and your three kids, Jack, Nicole, and little Charlie. Well, at least for a bit. He’ll be little Charlie forever since he drowns on that family fishing trip when he’s nine. It’s devastating but you find a way to get through. Though things will always feel incomplete. You decide to take a job owning a small electronics store in town. The kind where folks know you by name as “The TV man” who can fix anything in town. Slowly each year starts going by a little faster, and before you know it, the kids are out of high school, then out of college, then out of the house with kids of their own. You and Cheryl have your best days together alone in that house, finding beauty in the simple things. But eventually, the farm becomes too much work and you have to sell. But times are tough – the 2008 economic downturn just hit and no one seems in the mood for buying a farm. In fact everyone seems to be moving out of this town that has seen better days. The fields go unplowed, and the house grows dusty and run-down. Eventually you feel your body start to fall apart as well. One day, as the morning sun comes in through the blinds, you find yourself unable to get out of bed. The time has finally come, painlessly, effortlessly. You give Cheryl one last look in the eye – she knows you and you know her without having to say anything. A smile faintly crosses your lips and and your eyes water as your rough-worn hands finally let go of hers, releasing you into the peaceful void. 
Then you wake up in your bed, your present self. HOLY SHIT WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED? WAS THAT A DREAM? IT WAS FOREVER! That horoscope has nothing to do with a quarter but how fucked up was that?!
Cancer (June 22 – July 23)
You can expect to be caught walking down the street minding your own business when a particularly slippery quarter finds its way under your right foot. You will trip and fall, and you will plant your sorry ass in a snowbank and generally look like a fool.
Leo (July 24 – August 23)
You will find yourself in a strange pub filled with all manners of people and creatures. While sitting quietly at the tavern sipping on your mead you can expect to see a creature with the body of a fat man and the head of a skinny ostrich playing the hottest medieval ditties on a glowing lyre. All the patrons of this grimy establishment will be happily enjoying the bird-creatures raucous music. Then after a killer solo the bird-creature will turn to you and utter the fateful words “Speak” and strum a power chord and left it undulating in the air. All eyes will turn on you, unblinking, expectant. But this is the occasion you were born to rise to. You will confidently stride to the stage nod to the bird-creature and lay down the most blistering, inspired comedy routine anyone has ever seen. You will move like Robin Williams hopped up on coke, shout like Eddie Murphy (also on coke), make insightful observations about the realities of medieval fantasy life like an elvish Jerry Seinfeld (on elvish coke). For a blistering twenty minutes you will entertain and bemuse, you will make people laugh, you will make one lonely jello monster in the back cry. Then at the very end you will bow and pause expectantly expecting to be showered in gold in appreciation of your hard work and talent. All will turn away simultaneously, except for one rhino clad in mail. The Rhino will extend in his hoofed hand a bronze coin which you know (adjusting for inflation and being in a magic fantasy universe) is worth approximately one quarter of a Canadian Dollar. Sir Rhino will look you dead in the eye, spit on the ground in front of you and toss away the quarter into a heap of shit. 
Virgo (August 24 – September 23)
The next week looks bleak for you, I’m afraid. After a horrible accident involving a poorly planned bank robbery you’ve been put into the Witness Protection Program. You cut off all contact with your previous life and have been moved halfway across the world to a country that speaks the same language as you, but with an accent that is next to impossible to understand, which honestly, is more frustrating than trying to learn a wholly new language. You used to be a bank teller, but now you are forced to do menial busy work in an office complex, never quite sure exactly what it is you do. On your way home one day you spot a glint of silver on the sidewalk. Any other day you would walk by, but today you feel like being spontaneous, to feel again how you once used to feel. As you bend down to pick up the shimmering object you realize it’s a quarter from your home country. Fear strikes straight through your heart as you hear the familiar ragged breath that forced you out of your country to begin with. You’ve been caught, all for the sweet remembrance of 25 Canadian cents, and you soon meet your ultimate demise. 
Libra (September 24 – October 23)
Be wary of being stoned to death. Except not by stones but quarters
Scorpio (October 24 – November 22)
Having difficulty sleeping at night: well Mars, the god of betrayal, lack of generosity is bright for this month. We couldn’t ascertain what could cause this to be brought about
Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21)
Expect to be beaten by a dead horse. The equine zombie will presumably be shaken out of the gentle embrace of death by vigorous rage by the failure to pony up a single quarter for a quality newspaper. But that’s just what we think, he could also be hungry.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You’re going to have a great day every day this month! Enjoy bright rays of sunshine in all walks of your life, friend!
Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)
This is not the dawning of the Age of Aquarius. Expect arguments, incivility, hair loss and unexpected bowel movements.
Pisces (February 20 – March 20)
This is the week you learn you are allergic to fish. Be careful the next time you eat sushi, it is very likely that it will bite back. And not the kind of bite that gives you radioactive super powers, just the kind of bite that kills you. Also, next time you go swimming look out for electric eels. Same deal here, no electric super powers, just a really painful electric death. On the plus side there is a good chance you’ll find a quarter on the ground, but there is an even better chance that that quarter is buried under a deceivingly thick layer of ice and you can’t actually get to it.