Blackberry Releases New Phone for the World to Ignore


On November 6th, Blackberry released their latest handheld device, the Blackberry Priv. The phone, which combines modern conveniences like an enlarged screen with classic Blackberry features like unreliability and limited app store offerings, is the Waterloo, Ontario-based company’s latest attempt at reminding the world that they have not yet gone bankrupt.
 CEO John Chen has announced that the company expects at most two days of intensive news coverage about the phone, mostly focusing on its shortcomings, before the world goes back to forgetting that Blackberry was once the global leader in the smartphone market. 
The Priv boasts numerous updates over previous Blackberry models, but retains the signature characteristic of looking like something you would see your father wearing in a belt holster. The phone has enhanced security metrics powered by Google, which is admittedly a bit of overkill. If a person is willingly using a Blackberry, it can be safely assumed that they are not tech-savvy enough to be trusted with any information of real value. 
The physical keyboard also makes a return in this model, a feature which Blackberry believes will help it corner the market for people with child-sized hands. The launch is accompanied by a marketing campaign based around the tagline “Remember how cool these things were in middle school!?” to attract a younger consumer market. 
The company has resisted numerous calls to just give up and admit that they can’t compete with giants such as Apple and Samsung, and continues to release new products, like the scrappy underdog in a boxing match. In a press conference Tuesday, Apple CEO Tim Cook sounded tentative and apologetic in describing how his company would outsell and outmatch this new device, adding that “it just isn’t fun anymore” to cut into Blackberry’s sales. 
Shares of the company were down 5% after the release, as the news prompted investors to realize that they still had Blackberry shares and promptly sold them.