Blue Jays 101


With the news that over the weekend the Jays clinched a birth in the 2015 MLB post season the Toronto Blue Jays bandwagon has hit it’s tipping point with each and every Canadian from BC to Newfoundland all the sudden caring about what they 2 months ago called the most boring sport in the world.  As true Blue Jay fans since July of 2015, Golden Words would like to fill all you new bandwagoners in on the historic team so you don’t show up to your P&G mock interview looking like a cultureless fool. Here is a background on the starting line-up of your 2015 playoff bound Blue Jays arranged in their batting order, which for those of you in femicle engineering is not at all similar to a reaction order.

#7 Ben Revere (Left Field)
This 5’9” speedy fielder has 30 stolen bases this season hitting in the lead off position for the Blue Jays. Revere also has an odd pre game ritual the night before the Boston Red Socks come to town, in which he rounds the concourse of the Rogers centre holding a lantern yelling at the concession staff that the redcoats are coming. When asked how he rounds the bases so quickly Revere was quoted as saying “I ride 40 miles every night around 10pm”.

#10 Edwin EnCarnation (Designated Hitter)
Heir to the throne of the Caribbean, Toronto’s “Knight of Flowers” originally worked in Lebron James’ “Kings Guard” secret service, when James left Cleveland for Miami, many felt the true King was dead, forcing Edwin to move to the Blue Jays as one of the fiercest Bats in all of Westeros. Whenever Edwin Circles the bases after a homerun he extends his right arm as if he were carrying a bouquet of Roses.

#2 Troy TooLowitski (Short Stop)
Currently sidelined with a shoulder injury, this All-Star defender acquired at the deadline was surprisingly not hired for his ability to make throws on the run. The Blue Jays shortly after acquiring TooLowitsky had their annual mid-summer social with division rivals the New York Yankees. With 11 events and each team they could secure 5 wins easily, the deciding party game was the limbo competition.  Manager John Gibbons was quoted after the event saying “TooLow really brought it home for us this year.”

#13 Justin Smoke (1st Base)
Known as the most chill member of the Blue Jays, Smoke notably asked Golden Words before his interview “Are you Cops, because I just have allergies that’s why my eyes are red” then continued by saying “That Trudeau guy, he’s going to bring real change” before falling asleep and in turn dumping his family sized bag of Doritos all over his face.

#11 Kevin Pillar (Centre Field)
Pillar though not strong with the bat has really been the foundation holding up the Blue Jay’s Defence. Though he remains quite static in the outfield, Jimbo Carvs Sci ’02 Civil (also notably the cutest boy in Civil ’02), noted that Pillar is reinforced by #6 industrial grade rebar and won’t let you down with regular inspection and maintenance until the Leafs win a cup again.”

#14 David Price (Pitcher)
Since being acquired in late July DP has been the life of this Blue Jays Party. With a commanding front door fastball and a dominating backdoor curveball DP has excited Blue Jays fans every night. When asked about his dominating performances DP answered “Only when I can go deep in the strike zone with both pitches do I really hit my climax.”