Final Words, “No Wait , I’m a real person!”
The University was regretfully forced to put it’s beloved mascot ‘Boo Hoo’ The Bear down earlier this week. The decision was made by Daniel Woolf during the last academic year after an incident at a football game involving the mascot. Sources say the mascot ran onto the field during the 3rd quarter of a football game, starting ripping the astroturf and defecated on the field. After stopping the game, the bear started mauling members of Queen’s bands and severely chipped a male cheerleader’s fingernail. The mascot, who goes by Paula Appleback by day, said that the incident was triggered by her believing it would be fun to do LSD before a football game. She said she instantly regretted that decision. “I thought I was a real bear that had been captured by the university. I felt so used and violated, until I realized that I wasn’t chained down and that I could do anything I wanted… So I decided to take my revenge on my human captors.” The University does not want to take any risk of this situation happening again, so administrators decided to put down the mascot by lethal injection.
“I can’t believe this is happening, I loved Boo Hoo. But it makes sense, we can’t take any risks in the future” – Amjar Takamakahana Comm 15’.
“That god damn bear ruined my field goal! I get made fun of enough for being a kicker, but this is just humiliating! Kill that damn thing” – Reggie Kekold Arts 16’.
Boo Hoo was upset to hear the news of it’s impending death. “This is a joke, right? They can’t kill me… they wouldn’t do that. I’m a person! I’m just gonna assume this is a joke because I don’t think they could actually get away with this.” As expected, Boo Hoo was not compliant when the executioners came to take them to the execution site at the school’s center for veterinary studies and animal protection. Boo Hoo died on September 1st at 11:05 am. The school is considering getting a newer, more tame mascot. The lion from that Youtube video where they hug their owner is being considered for the role, because, come on, would an animal that cute really wanna hurt someone?