Book Titles That Actually Totally Exist

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As a book-lover, I often spend my evenings reading and/or researching my next literary conquest. You know how there is the who-thought-this-was-a-good-idea-to-film side of Youtube, or the questionable side of sites like Reddit. Knee deep in researching what shitty Harlequin Rom Com could briefly take me blissfully away from my actual academic reading, I found ‘that’ side of Good reads. Here are a few wtf book titles and my totally valid comments on them and their contents, since there is no way in hell I’m actually going to read any of these.

 

Do-it-yourself Coffins

Head to the underworld in customizable style. Probably shows you how to build in cup holders, ‘cause who wouldn’t want that?

 

Goblinproofing One’s Chicken Coop: And Other Practical Advice In Our Campaign Against THe Fairy Kingdom

My only guess is that the author has spent most of his life high as fuck and listening to The Beatles circa their LSD era.  

 

101 More Uses for a Dead Cat

My only real concern is that this book seems to be a sequel. Someone got through all 101 uses for a dead cat and needed 101 more. What.

 

The Radiation Recipe Book

Or lazy-as-fuck meals to make on you radiator. To be honest, most students could probably totally use this book.

 

Catflexing: The Catlovers Guide to Weight Training, Aerobics and Stretching

Or the 102nd thing to do with your dead cat.

 

Giraffes? Giraffes!

Why are we so excited about Giraffes? And why are we questioning them? My hope is that this is a deeply insightful novela on the existentialism of giraffes.

 

How To Understand Women Through Their Cats  

I feel like a lot of crazy cat women aspire to be authors as use their cats as inspiration. What’s next? Crafting with Cat Hair?

 

Crafting With Cat Hair

Seriously?

 

Still Stripping After 25 Years

Apparently it is about quilting, but Granny on the cover looks like she’s got a secret.

 

The Missionary Position: Mother Teresa in Theory and Practice  

The greatest piece of smut ever written about Our Lady of Calcutta.

 

Are Women Human?

As far as I know I, a woman, am human. All humans have scales, right?

 

How To Raise Your I.Q. by Eating

If this was legit I should be so fucking smart by now. I’m pretty sure I’ve eaten Einstein’s weight in ice cream in the last week alone.

 

Does God Ever Speak Through Cats?

Seriously, what’s with all the “insightful works of literature” on cats? No wonder they think they are Gods, the entitled litter boxes.  

 

The Big Book Of Lesbian Horse Stories

To be entirely honest, I can’t say that I am not intrigued. Are the girls lesbian? The Horses? Are the girls lesbian for the horses? Maybe it is actually a warning against beastiality.

 

The Best Dad Is A Good Lover

Uh, what?

 

Who Cares About Elderly People?

See last weeks article, “Fuck Old People.”

 

The Best Fences

Because some fences are just better than others. (Warning: contains blatant fencism)

 

God’s Doodle: The Life and Times of The Penis

This particular work stands erect among more flaccid works of literature. This thick novel focuses only on the hard facts, making even the most limp articles stand up to the quality of the rest. I recommend everyone pleasure themselves with this read!

 

How to Sharpen Pencils

You know, incase you missed that class in Junior Kindergarten?

 

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