Boyfriend of Six Years Doesn’t Want to Say “I Love You” Citing Lack of Emotional Commitment


Jeremiah Goldstein has recently come under fire from his girlfriend, Kayley Williamson of six years for not wanting to say “I love you” late last Wednesday. They were on a cruise to meet Williamson’s relatives in Italy, when reportedly Kayley tried to bring the subject up whilst in the middle of foreplay. Reportedly, Ms. Williamson broke away from a passionate kiss with Jeremiah, stared into his eyes and said “I love you “ to which Jeremiah replied “You’re just great.”
Mr. Goldstein preferred to keep their relationship “less serious”, saying he wanted to just keep it simple: “I just want to keep holding hands when people are watching, sharing each others deepest dreams and fears, and have continue to get lost in each others eyes while having passionate sensual sex. Y’know, just casual stuff. “ He would go on to cement his demise by backpedaling, then avoiding the subject and trying to change the channel (the TV was off). “I mean is a mere half a decade plus an extra year really a sign of commitment, we’ve named, like, only our first three children.” Jeremiah mumbled while not meeting his girlfriend’s gaze.
When Kayley pointed out that they shared “a home phone, toothbrushes, and a ten month old puppy” Jeremiah responded with “well I didn’t know about that toothbrush… that explains a lot.” There were notable gasps from everyone in the room when Jeremiah lost his head entirely and according to one observer “just mumbled some shit about keeping his options open”
There is some confusion as to what happened next. Some people say that they witnessed Kayley literally tear the poor stupid stupid man limb from limb, then use a blood ritual to reincarnate him, then kick him in the balls (as a cherry on top). Others insist that the wrath emanating from Kayley’s eyes simply ignited their honeymoon suite (the couple paid for it together) and engulfed them in flame. Either way, when their multimilllion dollar dream vacation was finished turning into a fight/domestic homicide/reincarnation/arson, the pair were left pondering what to do about their joint mortgage.
At press time they had resolved to divide their one bedroom suite in half and not speak to each other for the duration of the three week cruise.