Breaking: Sci’ 23 Faked The Grease Pole?

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Grease pole hoax exposed

 

It has now been four days since the Engineering class of 2023 infamously “conquered the grease pole” – if, that is, they actually took that giant leap… Doubters believe that in desperate efforts to stay competitive with other faculties, with the help of computer wizardry and photo-editing, a devious splinter cell of Engineers worked in secret to literally engineer the footage and other evidence documenting the supposed achievement. 

Insiders suspect that frustration from the lack of moral superiority over the other faculties was the driving force behind the final decision to fake the Tam Landing. Engineers, desperate for the feeling of entitlement, achievement, and status over other faculties are quick to cover up the suspected hoax whenever it is brought up with them in conversation. One self-proclaimed ‘witness’ to the event in question, when asked about his thoughts on the deception, responded, “What?”, another exclaiming, “Huh?”, and two other Engineers plainly refused to answer any of our questions. 

Fresh off the rumours surrounding the existence and goings-on of America’s Area 51, famously sparking the movement to storm the grounds and discover the truth, reports that the movement to storm the location where the grease pole was said to have taken place are emerging. Queen’s students are demanding that the Engineers release further proof that the event actually took place. Chants of “We want the truth!” echo through the halls of the ILC from the hordes of protesting students surrounding the building but still unsure if they are actually allowed in. 

The smoking gun throughout all of this? According to those close to the original conspirators, the proof lies in the footage released by the engineers depicting ‘Tam Frosh’ removing the Tam from atop the greased pole itself. In the final moments before the cap is retrieved, if the video is played in reverse and the audio enhanced, the word “sytuftu” can almost be heard. While incoherent to the naked ear, linguistic specialists on campus suppose that this may be a hidden ‘easter egg’ left by the person who manipulated the sound for the fake video. Sytuftu, interpreted by our experts to be an intentionally jumbled version of the phrase ‘Sci 2-f*ckin-2’, the end of a song written for the Engineering class of 2022. If this is truly a discovered tie to the video’s forgers, the question remains: why would a member of 2022 help the class of 2023? What do they stand to gain? Were members of the two classes working together? What would this mean for the future generations of Engineers to come? 

 

-Bart Harley Jarvis

 

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