The Brute Force Committee is a secret organization run by engineering students at the University of Toronto. The organization is mainly known for their outrageous pranks over the years, including the successful theft and ransom of our beautiful grease pole. Upon the eventual return of our pole earlier this year, we managed to get an interview with our great friend, Poley McGreasey. From the very few questions it could answer, we determined that our pole had been intensely psychologically tortured, responding only to Slippery Pete. Our dear friend was also severely maimed, but was stitched back together by the Queen’s School of Medicine. Our dear comrade was in good enough health for ArtSci 21’s pole climb this year, but the pain will forever remain with our dear friend.
Back to BFC; a leaked document that was obtained by us here at Golden Words this week has helped unmasked their true identity. The “Brute Force Committee” is actually, the “Beautiful Flower Committee.” The committee wears all black, sunglasses, and construction helmets. The all black is not only to conceal their identity but also to conceal their shame of belonging to such a ridiculous organization. The suits also allow them to garden in the evening without detection. The sunglasses are used because Jerry, a former member thought it would be cool. The hard hats are used only when landscaping at nursing homes. The document states “All members of BFC are required to wear hard hats when installing patio steps and birdbaths”, safety first am I right?
The pole was stolen not as a prank that went against the international prankster’s code, but was because of its similarity in shape to a flower’s stem. Due to the organization being located in downtown Toronto the lack of green spaces means a lack of plants, namely flowers. Parts of the document reveal the secret doctrine, “The ‘Beautiful Flower Committee’ is committed to preserving and spreading the seeds of flowers of all varieties to Universities and Colleges throughout Ontario. Elaborate pranks are used as a cover up to our true passion of gardening.”
The secret document we obtained details future planned attacks on Niagara College’s horticulture program. One excerpt reads, “We will obtain seeds of the rare unemployment flower, and store them in our seed vault for later study and propagation of the flower throughout Ontario.” The unemployment flower grows wild throughout Niagara College’s Welland campus and into the surrounding subdivisions. The flower is said to be particularly hard to grow, due to its living requirements, which require the tears of former steel plant workers who are now unemployed coke dealers living off of welfare checks and bottle returns to the beer store. The document also contains the reasoning behind many previous attacks including the Carleton Gong which was a cover up for picking Trillium’s from the Parliament grounds. The group has become a such a huge deal that Prime Minister Trudeau even released a statement the day after the heist claiming that the “Brute Force Committee” is now classified as a terrorist organization along with the FLQ and the Original Seven.