I’m good at what I do – sorry but I won’t apologize. I’ve been described as the Robert Mapplethorpe of photography of dick pics and it’s a moniker that I’ve earned through blood, sweat and ejaculate. I got my start in the early 70’s, when the penis was a thing of the past and the female form was the only thing being printed. But in 1972 I came out with my first hit pic Unbound, where I took a wide shot with an f/8 lense of my willy against a white background. It was simple, it was plain but it got the point across. I was rocketed into success from that point on and have dedicated myself to the practice of penis pictures. While i’ve given many lectures about this subject, I will try to explain my method as efficiently as possible.
Choose the Aesthetic:
The penis at its very core represents the struggle of masculinity and the duality of man. So it makes sense that it can display emotions ranging from a sad river eel to an aggressive king cobra. In the mid 80s, my good friend and fellow photographer, Tony Wiener, introduced me to the subject of the ‘half chub’. This is used when you want to pose the picture as a question, is it hard? Is is soft? When in reality it’s up to the viewer. In my 1987 photo Down The Barrel, I photographed Tony at half mast with the camera facing directly into the eye of the beast and actually ended winning a ‘Dicky’ because of it.
Location, Location, Location!
Unless you want the frame to be filled to the brim with your skin, you’ve got to think about what’s gonna be in the background. While i’ve seen a lot of pictures taken in bathrooms and bedrooms, all of my award winning shots have been in nature. As Ken Burns said in his award winning book Dictures, ‘I LOVE DICK, YUMMY YUMMY DICKS OMNOMNOM’. I swear I once saw Burns at a Hampton’s pool party go down a row of guys sticking his DSLR down their pants. What was I talking about? Oh yeah location. When I was still an amateur DP photographer I got arrested for doing a shoot in Forest Park St. Louis, so make sure you either get a permit or go when nobody’s there.
Back in ‘97 I was doing a shoot with Bilory Clinton and when the LEDs came on they yelled ‘now this is a presidential pecker!’ that phrase has been my go-to ever since. Light not only helps with seeing the subject, but also accentuates all the hidden details. Maybe a vein seems larger or a freckle is brought out. They may not seem like much, but these small details are what really differentiate the dicks. For example, when I was doing my ‘07 exhibition Cocked and Loaded, I used a wide range of photo-incandescent lights to take the same picture of one dick, but with different brightnesses and won my third ‘Dicky’.
This is the most important tip you can take away from this article. In ‘01 I paid (illegally) several well endowed billionaires to let me mount them like hunting trophies and take pictures of their dicks for my series, Exposed. Needless to say it fueled a lot of controversy but ultimately art prevailed and I won not only another ‘Dicky’, but also my first Golden Globe. Make sure to stick to the dick pic formula but always remember to try new things.
Follow the Leading Lines:
This is a standard rule in photography but has its origins with the dick pic movement I started back in the ‘70s. The male form, much like a polygon, is riddled with lines and it’s our job as artists to use them to our advantage. In an early piece of mine from ‘73, Disdain, I explored how many of the lines on a man’s abs that point downtown it takes to get the best picture. Turns out it was the normal amount and any other gets described as ‘an abomination’. That was the last time I messed around with genetically modified humans. I still won a ‘Dicky’.
Know Your Audience:
In ‘09 I ran my exhibit Accidents where I ‘accidentally’ sent dick pics to a variety of parents. This normally would be the last thing anyone sending a DP would want, but the results were astounding. Every parent across the board was ‘appreciative’ and ‘thankful’ they were included in this millennial movement. What i’m trying to say is that you should be comfortable sending the pics to a wider audience AKA your parents. They changed your diapers back in the day and would be glad to know how you’re ‘doing’ theses day! Mine were. They each won a ‘Dicky’.
Bush is Back:
What i’ve neglected to mention up to this point is what one should do with pubes. Now in most of my work I tend to go full shaven because that really allows the penis to be the center piece. But in some of my portraits like Err of Confidence and Big Band I left the bush untouched. If I do decide to keep hair in, I go full growth because natural beauty is really what dick pics are all about. I got this idea when I took my first DP of Gene Shalit in my classic ‘78 portrait, Ew, for which I won a ‘Dicky’.
I hope this brief look into my passion has ignited a fire within you or at the very least helped you learn how to take the perfect DP. Of course for a full course in Dickular Pictures you would have to enroll in my class at James Madison University. Please enroll in my class. I have 5 students and they’re all beans. Like one of them is a pinto and the rest are lima.