Hi everybody, my name is Candice Fish! I was born before Woodstock, been married 5 different times (to the same man?!) and had a few dates. I started out giving advice to underaged little people in the 80’s because they respected my outside opinion and I then moved to the Clinton administration where I adopted the pseudonym ‘Monica Lewinsky’ for my successful White House Advice Column. It didn’t last long cause some office politics were put in the wrong place and I had to step down. But now I got hired by Golden Words to give my ‘unique and disturbing’ (Bill’s words not mine) perspective on life to you young university students!
This girl I was macking in Stages punched me in the gut because I started to show her my butterfly knife skills. Permission to retaliate? – Nick, 19
Oh no! Oh no no no! Never retaliate! If I had retaliated when Bill showed me his automatic machine gun collection back in ‘96 then I’d have the blood of a president on my hands! And I can’t go through that again! What I would recommend is finding her, by any means necessary, and buying her a nice dinner. That’s how I met my husband Albert for the first time and we all know how that turned out! Best of luck in your love life.
I ‘accidentally’ pulled a Oedipus Rex. Thoughts? – Jonah, 21
Wow what a great piece of Greek literature! I can say from experience that accidentally gauging your own eyes out in a fit of rage is a bit of a setback, but it’s nothing a plastic surgeon, a newborn baby’s head and demon magic can’t fix. As per murdering you father, draino, garbage bags and the Hudson River will do the trick. I can’t remember the last part of the novel but ask your mom for advice because there’s nothing like a loving, supple and beautiful matriarchal figure in your life to turn in to.
I got kicked out of Throwback for defecating on the dancefloor. Do I have a case against these meanies for robbing me of a great night? – Louis, 42
Well Louis I think it’s time to take a step back and reflect for a minute. I mean you took a shit in the middle of a club? That’s pretty depraved and I think, no I know, it’s illegal. What are you talking about ‘a case against these meanies?’ you’re the meanie. You’re the meanie no good LOSER who can’t even control his bowels and this is coming from a woman who was called ‘literally a human toilet’ by not one, but two Kennedy Sisters. Go home.
Mom, it’s time to come home. We’re worried about you and Berniece can’t take care of herself alone. – Your Son, ??
Haha okay this one’s not even a question so i’m gonna go ahead and skip it. But it does seem like you’re in a bit a pickle ‘Yoursun?’ guess it’s a Chinese name. I would talk to your mother cause at least in my family, she’s the one that brings us all together.
Candy, this is the FBI. We are still investigating what you did in the 60’s. We will get the truth. – FBI, 109
Ok what’s with these non-questions! Effbeeeye doesn’t even sound like a name! I guess they’re talking about my advice column I ran back in the early sixties under the pseudonym ‘Lee Harvey Oswald’. It was so groundbreaking for the time that some described it ‘mind blowing’, one man even described it as ‘Jackie, I love you. I will love you forev-’. Sorry I couldn’t help more with your question Mr. EffBeeeye!
This concludes the first installment of Candy’s Corner! I hope I was at least a bit helpful and that more people write into me. Text me your questions, qualms or quandaries to 226-808-8992. Thanks!