Ahoy, me hearties. Thar be a day fast approaching that be most important to a pirate like me, but ‘tis ruined by landlubbers who be not knowin’ about respectin’ the culture o’ piracy. If ye be wantin’ to be talkin’ like a pirate, thar be some things ye need to know. If ye be a landlubber then yer not ta be flying the Jolly Roger, tis only flown when ye be sailin’ and piratin’. If ye be havin’ a hook hand, that be alright by us, it be makin’ ye look cooler and that be respectable. Eye patches be cool too, fer if ye be that committed to a lack o’ depth perception then good on ye. But ye can’t be wearin’ a peg leg, makin’ fun o’ amputees be a line even we be not crossin. Some people be tryin’ ta have a monkey, but they be more trouble than they’re worth. If ye be walkin’ around with a monkey, then it be clear that ye’ve never been out on the high seas. Now a parrot be much better, although thar be not many in these here parts. I’ve been training a seagull to sit on me shoulder instead. Drinking be always encouraged, but don’t be forgettin’ to drink plenty o’ water to stay hydrated. If ye be wanting ta be actin’ like a pirate, don’t be committin’ a mutiny. T’wont be makin’ ye more popular with yer crew mates, and definitely not yer captain. If ye want ta be a true pirate, then ye should be gettin’ out on the high seas and robbin’ some hapless merchants. Thar be nary a better way ta be celebratin’ talk like a pirate day than that. But before ye get carried away and move to Somalia to become a full-time pirate, ye may be wantin’ to be finishin’ yer degree. Just ta keep yer options open.
The Two-Legged Man