Children are the Future and I Can’t Stand it


Ah, Autumn. That time when nature goes through its annual dance. The colours of foliage change from green to vibrant reds, oranges, and golds. A crisp feeling enters the air with a special aroma that just feels like “fall”. But of course, like a David Lynch film or John Wayne Gacy, that pleasant, colorful façade is really just there to cover up the death and destruction lurking beneath the surface. Those vivacious colours that adorn so many Instagram posts are actually the telltale signs that the trees are slowly slipping into their months-long coma, and are desperately screaming for help as they are pulled into the endless black void.

And that crisp, fall scent in the air? Merely the Billions of tonnes of Carbon Dioxide spewed into the atmosphere by trees as they waste away before us (it’s true, no need to look it up). It’s like we’re living in God’s garage and every year He gets Seasonal Affective Disorder and locks Himself in there with the car running. And in the Spring, Mrs. God finally discovers what the hell He’s trying to do and pulls Him to safety before he suffocates us all. Goddammit, God, you pull this shit every year. No wonder your kids hate you.

Speaking of kids…wow there’s a lot of them! I mean, fewer than before, seeing as the birthrate has dropped considerably in the last 50 years, thanks to *career women*. But there’s still a lot. And, as they are to one day inherit this convenient-garbage-dump/lava factory we call the Earth, frankly, they make me nervous. Take the Frosh class of 2020. Sure, they are technically adults, but so are the writers of Kevin Can Wait, and when have they ever made a good decision? We shouldn’t be trusting these people with alcohol, let alone letting them into our homes to consume it. Wait, what? Binge drinking in first year is now discouraged? My, how times have changed.

Millennials – defined as the cohort born between 1980 and 2000 – have been frequently lauded as the most liberal, tolerant, and privileged generation to ever walk the Earth. Which is wonderful. My concern, however, is how is the next generation gonna top that shit?! Did you know that the kids in Grade 9 this year were born in 2002 and will be the first to know of 9/11 as an event that happened before their lifetime? That sounds like a pretty convenient excuse to me; only bothering to show up a year later. I’m not suggesting anything – do your own research. But is it really too much of a stretch to say #KidsDid9/11? Nope, because I just did.

With all the social accomplishments that have been achieved so far in our generation’s time – Gay Marriage, a growing acceptance of trans people, a prime minister with a shitty tattoo – the only way for these kids to go is backward. So I hope you’ve fastened your seatbelts, Earth’s populace, because the anti-revolution has already started – there’s banjos in contemporary music and the next American president will be white. WHITE! Next thing you know, they’ll be bringing back communism, horse racing, and the middle class. Get that shit out of here! Mark my words, in 20 years, everyone will come to regard “Throwback Thursday” not with nostalgic joy, but with fear of the jackbooted GenZ Thought Police coming to take away our synthesizers.

And I get it, I’m old. Hell, one of the few references I made here is about fucking John Wayne Gacy. Maybe I’m just growing out of touch with a world becoming too different from the one I grew up in, and that’s scary.

OR – maybe I’m so old that I’m a Bernie Sanders-type figure, where all my curmudgeonly rants are taken as spirited idealism and my dishevelled appearance is actually seen as part of my arousing bad-boy persona, refusing to play by the rules (or so I’m told). So take it from me, a sexy idealist – watch out for Generation Z. Sure, their antiquated ideals may seem quaint at first. But before you know it, they’ll be hover-boarding over here to take away the internet and start paying women less than men. Or, you know, like less than we already do.