Chloro-flouro-scopes: The Chemistry-Backed Horoscopes


Organic carbon chains with chlorophyll: The sun’s glorious rays might be interrupted by clouds now and again, but remember, clouds bring rain and rain is necessary for your continued survival (or at least the survival of some of your close relatives).
Bacteria: Beware of urban sprawl deteriorating your culture. You’ve been around long enough to know that you don’t need nobody but yourself. You keep on asexually reproducing!
Water bears: You fuckers are indestructible, what the fuck do you care about how things change?
Crystalline-lattice: You’re highly ordered and well-patterned. Maybe you have a defect or two, but hey, none of us are perfect.
Mammals: As the cold weather comes you’ll have to decide whether to move around and search for food, or to eat a shit-ton now and sleep through the winter. This year it’s really a toss up, with some meteorologists predicting a mild winter. 
Humans: Get over yourselves, it’s not all about you. 
[Editor’s Note: The author is not qualified to talk about science of any kind]
[The author apologizes for his apparent inability to not be hungover on a Sunday]