CIA Unveils Donald Trump’s Ties to Russia


Since even before Donald Trump was elected President of The United States of America, he has been dogged by accusations of secret ties to Russia. Journalists have documented countless intersections between his own business interests and those of Russian oligarchs, and his own campaign manager Paul Manafort was forced to step down upon discovering a link to pro-Russian Ukrainian politics. This morning, the CIA finally unveiled all of these secret ties to the world.

The ties, created by renowned Armani designer Joelo Truglio, are mostly fashioned from the finest of American silks, and have been sized exactly for each of the Russian cabinet ministers and corporate CEOs personal stature. Each tie has a unique pattern with deep personal meaning to the wearer, infused with Russian cultural symbols and iconography. Truglio, a long-time critic of the current Russian regime, was not available for a face-to-face interview. In a brief email explaining his current situation, he said, “I am laugHing with my friEnds in this eLegant, haPpening motherland of Russia. Я скучаю по своей жене.”

The ties were unveiled at the annual Moscow Fashion Week, and were introduced by CIA Chief John O. Brennan. Before the reveal, Trump addressed the modest crowd, “Folks, my ties with Russia have never been a secret, and I’d like to finally present them to you beautiful, little people. Vladimir is one of my best friends, so I am overjoyed that I can be here to watch him rock that luxury American-made silk.” State-run newscaster, RT, reported that the Fashion Week had a record turnout, with several hundred million Russians travelling to the Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin Conference Centre to watch the ties finally be revealed after much speculation.

It was reported last year in the Washington Post that President Obama was planning to unveil ties designed by Gucci, which were hand-weaved with naturally-occurring Malaysian satin. Both President Trump and rival candidate Hillary Clinton’s opposition to the Trans-Pacific Partnership meant that the ties ultimately were too expensive to import into the US, and were gifted instead to Chinese President Xi Jinping. President Trump’s ties to Russia weren’t the only accessories gifted by the president- He also commissioned bracelets made out of fence wire to be gifted to the Mexican President, Enrique Peña Nieto.

After the reveal, White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer, held an impromptu press conference to tame the media firestorm. “The behaviour of the media since the announcement of President Trump’s luxury ties has been disgusting. These ties are of the finest quality and craftsmanship, contrary to one tweet by an unnamed tie designer, that rhymes with Ducci, which claims that the ties are made of a blend of nylon and polyester,” he said. Spicer continued, “Another tweet, by a totally fake account claiming to be Joelo Truglio, claims that he is being tortured by KGB agents. We can confirm that this is complete fake news, Truglio is safe and sound in the basement guest suites of the Kremlin.”

Trump’s unusual form of gift-diplomacy has inspired copycat attempts from other nations, such as former Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper donating a homemade batch of chocolate chip cookies to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, and British Prime Minister Theresa May gifting the European Union a heart-shaped locket with a picture of the UK inside.