Citing Budget Restraints, Gender Studies Pays Faculty in SHRC Coupons, Dildoes

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This past week, Queen’s Gender Studies Department unveiled a bold new payment model for all its staff. After months of grueling negotiations with the Sexual Health Resource Centre, GNDS faculty can access a dizzying array of condoms, beads and some absolute monster dongs.

“It was tough, but I think we walked away with something we all could be proud of — you black hearted perverts of the night,” said temporary department head Chest Rockwell to assembled line of TAs and profs outside of the SHRC.

The model has been a resounding success with both profs and students picking up some extra money behind the counter at the SHRC. They have been elated, with an overwhelming majority thanking the wholesome community that’s sprung up around the fuck shack of ribald curiosities.

“Half this shit’s illegal under the Geneva Convention,” one anonymous prof said dumping a pile of merch on the table. “I’m in something of a sexual renaissance.”

She added that he’s actually making more now selling loose condoms on the street.

“If you’re in the market, I just got some assless chaps for a solid $20,” he continued, unprompted.

However, the move has drawn criticism from a pale Frosh lurking in the office’s corner.

“How am I supposed to unrustle my jimmies with all these people around,” Taylor Dervish, ArtSci ‘20 said, positioning his backpack over his pants. “They keep trying to have honest and open conversations about cultural patriarchy. Where’s the alcohol-ridden, bro paradise I saw in the news?”

Still, the move has been a major step forward for a department suffering from years of an erotic deficit. Grad students have gone so far as to begin a barter system outside of the department.

“I just traded Principal Woolf a pair of magnums for a dime bag,” one grad student said preferring to go anonymous.”

Principal Woolf has so far declined to comment, stating “The aforementioned Grad Student should stop talking shit.”

Department head Chest Rockwell continues to praise the move.

“This agreement ensures that Queen’s will be a progressive, sensual faculty for years to come,” he said.

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