Following a night of drunken debauchery in Washington D.C, Hillary Clinton has been forced by the DNC to sit out of all four upcoming televised presidential debates.
Hillary Clinton’s campaign came under fire this past Thursday when it surfaced that three Clinton interns had been hospitalized, and another two had wound up in jail cells as a direct result of hazing that took place at the campaign’s most recent staff social. When campaign employees arrived at the Clinton residence on Tuesday evening, they were presented with a list of activities that all employees had to complete. This list prompted among other things: binge drinking, pole dancing at clubs, public nudity, and the desecration of various monuments to American democracy around the city. Though it has not emerged exactly who created the list, this reporter has it on good authority that the list was created by none other than former president Bill Clinton. Regardless of who did create the list the fact remains that by 1:30 AM on Wednesday morning, three Clinton staffers needed their stomachs pumped, and the Lincoln Memorial had been urinated on no less that 23 times.
Despite the fact that not a single Clinton campaign employee had voiced a complaint about the activities that took place on Tuesday evening and Wednesday morning, interim Democratic National Chairperson Donna Brazile has made it clear that there is no doubt in her mind that this was hazing. “I don’t care that the employees have insisted that they weren’t coerced to do this, I say this is hazing, so it’s hazing” said Brazile in an interview that took place this Thursday afternoon.
In a somewhat bizarre turn of events however, as far as anyone can tell no member of Clinton’s staff has been individually punished. The consequence laid out by the DNC instead is that Clinton will not be allowed to participate in any of the four upcoming televised presidential debates. With Clinton absent it is assumed that the debates will consist of Donald Trump monologuing on stage for over an hour.
The decision to prevent Clinton from participating in the debates has angered much of the democratic base. “Like seriously what the fuck?” registered democrat Sarah Jabberswerth exclaimed to this reporter, “How is this a rational punishment at all, the DNC is only punishing the democratic voters here. We’re just giving Trump a better chance at winning! What’s happening to this country? Am I crazy? Is everybody fucking high or something? God-fucking-dammit!” Jabberswerth then proceeded to storm off visibly agitated and was not available for further comments.
When asked for a comment on Clinton not being able to attend the debate, Donald Trump was quoted as saying: “This is what happens when you let the haters and losers take charge of hazing. This is what’s wrong with America. When I’m president we’re going to have tremendous hazing. I’m the best at hazing, nobody hazes better than me, and we’re not going to get in trouble for it. We’re going to build a wall, make Mexico pay for it, then haze the shit out of the Mexicans.”