If you’re anything like the student you tell your parents you are, you supposedly spend a ridiculously upsetting amount of time in Stauffer. And if you’re anything like the student you actually are, you hate it and it’s boring as shit. You go there and you sit on the hard ass chairs and then your butt gets awkwardly sweating for literally no reason. Then it’s either boiling or freezing and there’s absolutely no way to deal with either. And then you go onto onQ and take out your crappy notebook and pens and then you take like five snapchats of how you’re studying really hard and shit. And then once you’re done doing anything legit, you just sit there and think about your shitty GPA and imagine your life where you marry a rich man and he takes you away from this shit hole and your life is pretty much just turns into Pretty Woman. But unfortunately, those are just unrealistic dreams just like the dreams you had of doing well here when you first arrived at this hell hole of a library. But I have good news for you!!! I have some tips and tricks to make Club Stauff a literal club and you won’t hate the shit out of it nearly as much anymore.
The first thing you got to do is you just got to change your mindset about Stauff. And by changing your mindset I mean killing a shit ton of brain cells by pounding back a few shots of your favourite hard liquor of choice. Just bring your favourite flavour of mistakes in your non-descript water bottle, or if you really want to go hardcore just bring that 26 you’ve been trying to get through. After you’re good and drunk, everything in Stauff seems way more fun. The chairs are infinitely more comfy and that guy across the table across from you seems way cuter. As soon as you’re drunk in Stauff, it goes from Joseph S. Stauffer Library to CLUB STAUFF.
The next thing you’ve got to do is find some fun activities. The first one I would suggest is playing dominos with the shelves in the library. You can literally topple the patriarchy if you find the right section. Who doesn’t love causing complete chaos in the place you hate? Or if you want a more social activity you could play darts from the fourth floor with pens and the poor unsuspecting people minding their own goddamn business on the first floor. Hey, if you’re still not blackout drunk, take a shot every time you hit someone or shotgun a beer if you make someone cry. Or if your hand-eye coordination isn’t so good after ten drinks, play hide and seek with some of the security guards. Their jobs are kind of already really boring literally guarding a library, and playing hide and seek with a screaming, drunk person through the stacks is the best mid-week pick-me-up to get them through the week. Like really, you’re actually making their lives better by adding some drunken fun to their week. Who isn’t going to enjoy chasing some screaming drunk girl with a mickey of vodka in her hand?
But really all these things are kind of a one-person thing and if we’re all going to make Club Stauff a better, less boring and terrible place, we have got to take a page from everyone’s favourite animal’s book. Ghandi was like “b**** you have got to be the change you want to see if the library”. So go for it, try and disrupt everyone’s time at Stauffer. The first one is trying to get everyone as drunk as you, by either offering (forcing) alcohol to everyone, or if you’re some smart eng kid get a bunch of your friends and replace the water in the fountains with vodka. Once everyone’s good and drunk, it will be a rave. After circulation service ends, bottle service can begin and everyone can get lit and won’t hate Stauffer nearly as much.