Hey Everybody. I’m Colin the character from this week’s frosh video. Who you may know inspired Golden Words bold campaign slogan “We’re Not High On Cocaine”. If you haven’t seen the video I suggest you go look for it at www.goldenwords.ca. However, I’m here to talk to you about a soberingly real crisis that is affecting all of us: the Government has been pissing in our beer to dumb us down. I can hear you saying, “Colin you’re crazy that makes literally no sense. Also are you high on cocaine, seriously man get help.” but then again that’s what the government wants us to think.
Have you ever sit down to have a sip of refreshing Pabst Blue Ribbon™ beer. Then after having that sip noticed a distinct taste that reminded you of human urine? How you know that distinct taste is your business, but you may have uncovered PBR’s SECRET INGREDIENT. I have uncovered a website that depicts all the details of an organised government scheme to introduce urine into the manufacturing process of Pabst Blue Ribbon™ . The website details how the Canadian Government has a secret program that hires people (like nefarious evil villains) then pays those people a liveable wage (like socially responsible evil villains) to become part of PBR’s patented brewing process! They’re creating jobs and destroying lives!!!!
The people there are being forced, (by a contract they voluntarily signed for $17 an hour no less, plus reasonable employment benefits) to drink water as a job then piss that water out into a vat of half-made PBR where it will stew and infuse the beer with distinct full-bodied classic Pabst Blue Ribbon ™ flavour. They’ve even considered implementing different flavours by having people eat different things. They’re innovating goddammit! This is exactly the kind of evil corporation that needs to be stopped right now. Like Tesla!
The website www.governmentpissinginourbeer.net details how urine is proven to make human beings dumber than ingested. They have inconclusive studies from the American Medical Association, peer-reviewed and peer-rejected (because the Illuminati is everywhere). They even have quotes from a REAL LIFE DOCTOR, one doctor Oz saying “Urine is 100% proven to dumb people down, I’m a doctor so you’ll trust me. Now go buy some certified Dr. Oz’s One-Eyed Snake Oil™ ” If you’re not convinced you need to go to www.governmentpissinginourbeer.net and learn the truth!
I can hear the naysayers saying it right now, saying “I’m using discredited sources” and “This is obviously stupid”. Well if you say that then you’re probably part of the Illuminati or you’re being brain-washed by the socially responsible evil geniuses at Pabst Blue Ribbon™ .
Hi there, I’m Sam Codrington, Editor for Golden Words and I’m gonna cut off this conspiracy theory before it spawns it’s own Comic Sans MS website, www.governmentpissinginourbeer.net I have no idea how what was initially a motivational video about Frosh discovering their new favourite club with a hard-hitting message about the dangers of cocaine addiction turned into some crazy crackpot conspiracy theory. I highly recommend you disregard what that lunatic has to say and don’t visit www.governmentpissinginourbeer.net!
… What’s that? …. why yes, I do prefer the scintillating taste of Pabst Blue Ribbon, why do you ask?