Cosmos Originally Made Exclusively for Stoners


A recently discovered note from Carl Sagan’s old desk revealed that Cosmos was solely created for those under the influence of marijuana. “The big flashing lights, the ‘whooshing’ noises as asteroids fly through space, the infinite zooming in from huge planets to the nuclei of atoms, you’d have to be a fucking tool to think the primary demographic isn’t stoners,” Sagan stated.  
The recreation of Cosmos, produced by Seth Macfarlane, and narrated by Neil DeGrasse Tyson, stayed true to its original intention. The starts off with Neil DeGrasse Tyson taking a hit from a bong and exhaling gas, which becomes a nebula that eventually condenses into earth. Neil “Puts the Grass back in” DeGrasse Tyson, goes on to explain how everything is made of stars, even that disgusting combination of pizza and cold french fries mashed together.
The series finale involves Tyson estimating the age of the universe through the half life of the THC molecule. “Alright dude, think about it,” Tyson states, as he passes the blunt to the left, “The world is 4.5 billion years old. The guy from 241 came in 40 minutes. That means, you could’ve gotten 1,125,000,000 pizzas since the beginning of the universe. The earth is 1,125,000,000 pizzas old. Holy Shit.”
Stoners across North America are ecstatic about the news. “Ya know, I’ve always had a hunch. It’s really nice to know that there’s some educational material out there for me, as opposed to the 8th season of Family Guy on repeat. I’m so glad I can be high, and get an education,” exclaimed Joseph Smith, stoner.
Sadly, the series is being discontinued, after an incident in a Toronto home. While exploring the ice crystals on the surface of Uranus, one viewer genuinely thought that he was on the surface of the planet. He laughed so hard at the thought of the word ‘Uranus’ that he died from a fit of laughter. This incident called for executives to suspend the series indefinitely.