Cynics Anonymous


Hi everyone. My name is Fred, and I’m a cynic. Dreams don’t come true. Dreams are traps of the mind that let us hope when we shouldn’t. Let me tell you my story.

Everyone has dreams when they are kids. Maybe it’s to be a fireman or marry a prince or to eat dessert before dinner, but mine was to have my very own human-sized hamster wheel. I could watch little Hammy the hamster run circles in his wheel for hours and all I wanted was to try it for myself.

The day Hammy died, I knew that my dream couldn’t be left alone. I was going to build my own hamster wheel and live the dream that Hammy always wanted me to live. I got into Queen’s Engineering. I made things happen.

Fast forward: I’m in a wide open green field with hamster wheel at the ready. The anticipation is killing me, and I’m about to make little Hammy proud. Its fine at first and then I get going a little too fast. The wind picks up and I’m literally spinning out of control. Then the nausea starts out… I’m a puker, always have been and always will be. You get the picture. Eventually I hit a tree with enough impact to stop the wheel which knocks me out. I spend time passed out in my vomit until I wake and head home leaving my innocence and hope behind me.

Being flung wildly in a spinning wheel that is filling with vomit changes a person. Now I’m here. My name is Fred, and I’m a cynic.

Also, fuck hamsters.