Damn Millennials Get Off My Lawn!


Due to our funding issues we’ve been getting a lot of letters of concern, many people offering us their quarters, though if they had thought to do that earlier we wouldn’t have been in this mess. Since our switch to the hands of evil (AKA Fox News) we’ve also been getting a disproportionate amount of letters to the editor about ‘those damn kids and their fun’ specifically targeting the millennial generation and their downfalls. Since we are now a paper that takes ourselves seriously I’ve chosen to include some excerpts from those letters, because freedom of speech or some shit like that. 
“Back in my day, when winter was actually cold and I had to walk up hills both ways to school, we had real morals. Now all you young folk are attached to your EyePhones on The Facebook and Tweeter. None of you pay any attention to the real world. I’ll tell you what, young people are ruining society. If you all just got off your bottoms and found a real job you wouldn’t need to ask for handouts for your Godless paper.” -Gertrude Klein, 84
    “When I was 23 I had a college degree, a full time job, and a family to provide for. And I’ll tell you what, I did provide for them. Kids these days are all just lazy bastards. They all complain about how they can’t get jobs, well maybe if they didn’t get a degree in underwater basket weaving or psychology they could find a real job.” – Barry Wells, 76 
    “Are you guys going to be posting anymore sex position articles? If you are can you tailor them to people with arthritis and bowel issues, I’m asking for a friend.” – Herbert Johnson, 92
    “Teens have all lost their morals, ‘twerking on fleek with their bae’, they are completely out of control. I don’t know what half of what they say means, but I can tell you they are up to no good, YOLOing at the #undies and what have you. What does number undies even mean, are young people talking about how many pairs of underwear they have. It’s a disgrace, I tell you.” -Alan Winchester, 75 
    i think It’s clear that MayBe tEens can be INcorriGible, and these Fragile Old people aRe CorrEct in their DeclaraTions. we shOuld be perSistent in behAving as well behaved and morallY correcT as possible. i urge you all to turn down the Hateful musIc and turn up for jeSus. if we all try a little harder, and capitalize on productivity, we can make today a better place.