RICHARDSON HALL, KINGSTON: The office of the Principal was filled with authoritative white people on this past Tuesday, January 31st. Together they smiled with Principal Woolf as they erased the rights of all commerce students – a visible minority within the Queen’s student body.
Citing many recent controversies concerning the commerce program, Woolf determined that a temporary ban of all students in the commerce program would help save face for the school. From “the party” to frosh week on probation, Principal Woolf was concerned that commerce students would ruin the Queen’s rep too much with another slip-up.
Golden Words, the only unbiased news publication at Queen’s university, was present for the Principal’s press conference. “We don’t want them here – get them out!” shouted Woolf, channeling his inner dictator. “Listen folks – I remember 2005. Do you remember? The car was flipped. It was flipped folks. And I watched from campus, where hundreds of students were cheering as it was flipped. Guess, just guess who those students were – every one of them was a commerce student. The commerce program has effectively channeled all of the gravest threats Queen’s currently faces as an institution.”
Principal Woolf stressed that this ban was temporary. “We need this ban until we can figure out what the hell is going on. The people of commerce, they’re ruining our school, folks. We just can’t afford to let them stay here – at least for now. We have opened with a 90 day ban on commerce majors. This is just enough time to close off the semester, so if we’re lucky maybe they’ll fail a few courses and shut the fuck up for a while.”
Principal Woolf has also stated his interest in a potential commerce registry in the future. When asked for comment, Woolf said the following: “It’s about management. It’s all about management.” When asked how this would be different from President Trump’s Muslim registry, Woolf responded “you tell me.” Woolf continued to repeat this phrase until Golden Words would halt its questions.
At this point most students are simply speculating, attempting to determine what will happen as a result of this temporary ban. Many commerce students are worried this could strand them in the city of Kingston – a fate worse than death for one not attending the University. There is also concern that perhaps this ban is a stepping stone, and that down the line there will be further discriminatory policies enacted on other faculties and programs, like Engineering or DEVS.
Golden Words extends its deepest condolences to all commerce students in this trying time, and pledges to do everything in its power, as the foremost news source of the university, to defend the rights of all its students.