Dean Woodhouse Cracks down on Bars

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The faculty of Engineering and Applied Science is discouraging students from pursuing jacket bars this year. Specifically, Dean Woodhouse is starting a strong campaign against the ‘Fix n’ Clean’ bar. Since the first week of September, Kingston Police have been patrolling homes in the Kingston Community, watching for students who are attempting to help elderly women across the street, or weed the garden of an old man who can’t bend over.

Fix n’ Clean, which is a bar that involves volunteering in the Kingston community by completing odd jobs for those who do not have the means to complete the tasks themselves. Naturally, this upsets dean Woodhouse. “We can’t have the vermin known as ‘engineering students’ going into the Kingston community, spreading their filth over the clean, pure Kingston townies. It makes me sick,” stated Woodhouse.

The faculty of Engineering may take their stance on jacket bars further by introducing a dress code for engineering students at inter-university competitions and conferences. This dress code involves not wearing any clothing at all. “You can’t trust engineering students, we must make sure that they have no means of dishonouring Queen’s. Therefore, we are taking away any forum where you can express yourself. This means that every piece of clothing will be banned,” stated Woodhouse. “Try bragging about drinking 40 beers now, fuckers!” She added.

President of Sci’18, Carolyn Fisher (Sci ‘19) also commented on the situation. “I swear to god I have like, no bars on my jacket. Ok, so I have tugboat, but that’s damn impressive. Otherwise, I’m good.”

Constable Steven Ryan, Kingston police media relations officer said that the recent crack-down on Fix n’ Clean has been a smashing success. “One time, I saw this kid in a GPA helping an elderly woman across the street, so I ran over and clubbed him in the face. You engineering scum can’t spread your borderline facist ideologies anymore!”

Matthew Shmuel, Sci ‘18, said his FRECs warned him about the danger of fix n’ clean. “I didn’t believe my FRECs were being serious until I actually tried to go into the community to sweep an old man’s house. A police man came up to me, took my broom, hit me in the stomach with it, and then sent me back to campus. Now I just purple my dick and have sex in engineering buildings.”

It is unclear as to what the future of the bar system at Queen’s will be. The identity of each student expressed through their accolades will be suppressed. In an act of mere mockery, however, Kimberly Woodhouse promoted the wearing of the ‘Overlord’ bar.

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