It’s 10:30 pm. You are attempting to complete ILCBO with only 2 of your friends over the Halloweekend. Being your average unprepared to students, you didn’t manage to find any hard liquor besides Kraken (47% alcohol, 100% a bad time). Working from top to bottom, your small group manages to crush the 3rd floor in under ten minutes. The second floor is where shit starts to get messy. The event begins to turn into less of a recreational activity and more into a drunken chore, as each room full of late-night ILC grinders express more and more concern for your well-being. 39 oz later, you approach the final room on floor one. Then, suddenly, the Deante of Science and Applied Engineering appears in front of you as you close the door. They touch your hand, and as your eyes roll back and you fall to the ground, your soul slides into the depths of the abyss.
The First Circle: Limbo
You awake to find yourself seated in a J Section classroom. Lifting your head from the surface of your desk, you see Newstead drawing a cartoon interpretation of a calorimeter on the board, with oompa loompas maintaining constant pressure against the gas within. A tap on your shoulder turns your attention to Deante, who is sitting on top of the desk next to you. They begin to speak: “I will be your personal guide through the eternal fires of engineering hell.” They spreads their arms open, motioning to the room around her: “This special little place reserved for those first year eng who are not quite ready to ascend to the realm of the upper years. Hopefully, if they work hard, these frosh will be able to enter their chosen discipline next year with all of the information and another $516 less than they’ll need for a successful future.” You are contemplating your recent MEA 1 submission as you look upon the struggling souls around you, wondering if you too will join them at the end of the year. They look happy, however, and you think that to yourself that this place is not too back. You are suddenly ripped by the wrist into the hallway.
The Second Circle: Lust
The hallway is packed with purple people. The walls are covered in purple handprints and yellow stains. As you look closer at the individuals in the hallway, you notice that they are all jumpy, and a number of them have their hands in their pants. Deante tells you “look upon these poor souls. These are those frosh who thought it would be a good idea to post on Facebook and ask if anyone wanted help obtaining the Triple X bar. Look how horny and awkward they are. However, sex is mutually pleasurable, and everyone deserves to have sex with a purple dick once in their lifetimes. As such, this hallway is the highest of the circles of Eng Hell Proper. The only real punishment of being here is that everyone is cramped in a tiny space with lots of other purple and horny people.” You blink.
The Third Circle: Gluttony
Opening your eyes, you find yourself inside of the JDUC. More specifically, inside of Khao. Deante turns to you, a massive grin across her face: “The cruel irony of this place really gets my hellfire burning. This place is for those individuals who steal regularly from the cafeteria. And I’m not talking about your average thieves, because lord knows that even the cafeteria ladies take apples at least every couple of days. This is the place for the kind of people who steal whole backs of bagels, a wrap and a grilled cheese sandwich at every meal, and then get off to the idea that they’re Ezio from Assassin’s Creed. Here, gluttoninjas are condemned to eating indian diarrhea until the end of eternity or by the time it takes to get an appointment scheduled at the student wellness centre (whichever one comes first, usually eternity). Come with me, we journey deeper.”
The Fourth Circle: Greed
Deante guides you out of the JDUC and through the intersection of Uni and Union. You notice a limping student in the distance running from what appears to be a blue moving van. You approach what resembles Leonard Hall Cafeteria. However, as you near the entrance, your ears are raked with the tormented sound of retching cries from within. Upon entering, the lovely lady (now with little red horns) gives you a wink and a “daaarling” as you as you enter, but before she can hand you back your student card, Deante makes sure that she swipes it twice so that they can follow behind you into the caf. What a bitch. As you enter the main area of the cafeteria, you are disgusted to see that every surface in the cafeteria is covered with various colours of vomit. The room is near full capacity with people surrounded by glasses containing various liquids, while the walls ring with the sound of them puking around you. Deante enlightens you: “ this is a place reserved for the bar hungry. Here, every day, these souls must attempt 21st century wizard. If they complete the bar, then they repeat the challenge the next day. If they puke while attempting the bar, then they repeat the challenge the next day. If they attempt to leave the cafeteria, then they are chased and dragged back by Campus Plant Services by a rope tied around their ankle.” You continue out the back entrance of the cafeteria.
The Fifth Circle: Wrath
You have made your way to 3rd floor Ellis Hall, where your Mod 1 lectures normally take place. In this circle, students who gave spiteful reviews to their project partners are charged with modelling the Earth and all systems included on and within it. This would be an easy task were it not for the crippling fact that students are assigned a certain hours nailed to a cross equal to the number of assumptions that they make in order to model the system. Oh, and the project is due at 10 pm tonight. Every night. Competition in the group for the easiest roles is enormous, and battles inside the room is a common occurrence. If you thought that working with your MEA 1 group was torture, you’re in for a surprise.
The Sixth Circle: Heresy
You exit Ellis Hall and go next door to Jeffery Hall. Deante informs you that you are now entering Lower Eng Hell. As you look down the spiral staircase, your gut churns while you struggle to spot the bottom floor. As you begin to descend the staircase, you pass a completely empty first floor. Proceeding past the doors and down the staircase, Deante continues to speak: “The floor we just passed is reserved for those students who transfer out of engineering into another faculty. But, as you saw, it is completely empty. I truthfully don’t think that anybody in all of eternity has transferred out of Queen’s Eng. If you actually know someone who has, please let me know. I am genuinely curious if there are people who should actually be in there.”
The Seventh Circle: Violence
You arrive at the thirteenth floor, and continue past it, despite hearing tortured screams which obviously indicated the presence of suffering souls within. Deante says: “This is where we put those fuckers who flipped cop cars and slapped horses during homecoming. Here, they are subjected to CIA Enhanced Interrogation Techniques in an attempt to figure out what they were thinking when they made our school look bad. Opening the door would have broken the intensity of the scene. Oh, by the way, they use footage of the interrogation for cop shows in the America, because people are into that shit there. Mainstream media will go to hell and back for material!” Deante chuckles at their own twisted humor.
The Eighth Circle: Fraud
What feels like hours later, you finally arrive at the bottom of Jeffery Hall to find yourself in a cold, moist cave. It is illuminated by a strange pale-blue fungal growth in patches on the wall, while jagged stalactites hang from the ceiling like shining teeth. Whatever cheer Deante may have possessed before has all but evaporated from her, as they seemed to be dead silent, as if scared to make a sound. You both walk quietly downwards through the cave, footsteps echoing in the silence. After a length of time you hear what appears to be a trickling of water. Rounding a corner, your eyes are greeted by a massive open body of water with a small body of land near the center. The pits of the lake are deep and black, but in the shallows you see the hunched figure of a woman wearing nothing but tattered rags, surrounded by shattered unused vaccination needles. The woman is curled into a ball and is crying to herself. It is at this time that Deante whispers to you, “This is a most treacherous place. In front of us is someone who once proclaimed validity behind the anti-vaccination movement. Here, she is eternally triggered by being offered vaccinations for diseases with which she is subjected to the next day. Should she accept her vaccination today, she could avoid contracting Ebola. Tomorrow, it will be swine flu. But we know that she will not accept these offers, and so she will continue to live in the ever growing torment of malady. Careful not to disturb her, she is easily triggered and will attack if startled.” Around 20 meters to the right is a small boat. We boarded, and as the boat launched from the shore of broken needles, I prepared myself to enter the final circle of hell.
The Ninth Circle
On the island, a giant beast resides. The horrible creature possesses a massive red body covered with scales, abscesses and open sores. It is shaped like a horribly disfigured man, with mutilated legs, frail bat wings, and three terrible heads upon its shoulders. From these mouths hung the bodies of three of the most vile betrayers from all of human history. The first is the infamous Stauffer Thief, who stole a computer from Stauffer library while webcam was on so that his theft was recorded. The second is whoever was in charge of making lunches at West Campus have to be based on an $8.75 budget per meal, even for those unfortunate people who live there. Yeah, fuck you, I didn’t want to have a decent Saturday lunch anyway. The final body, being nashed inside the mightiest of Satan’s maws, is you, who is going to have to deal with a Skull-Kraken hangover when you wake up in the KGH tomorrow.
Please learn from the failures of the damned whose stories have been shared with you in this tale. Most of all, don’t drink Kraken, because no soul deserves to be tormented so.