Disturbing Prof Confessions


Are profs human? Do they feel? Do they have desires and dreams like the rest of us? What skeletons lurk in their tweed-filed closets? For years we had no idea, now thanks to cutting edge communications technology, we have the answers we’ve always desired. The new app TurnMeIn allows professors to make pretty much anonymous confessions. This selection from frosh week reveals some horrifying truths about the bozos they hired to educate us.


ENGINEERING: I should have gone into Commerce.


ENGLISH: I plagiarized the syllabus from a sessional prof at University of Kentucky.


MATH: Writing BOOBIES upside down in my calculator is the only thing that makes me happy.


FILM: My favourite movie isn’t Battleship Potemkin, it’s Battleship.


PHYSICS: Principal Deane gives off hardcore Virgo vibes.


BIOLOGY: I’m writing a script for a frosh week porno called Tamming and Ramming.


COMMERCE: One time when the line was really long at Starbucks, I went to Tim Hortons.


MUSIC: I have a bomb under my desk. I tell my students the ticking noise is a metronome.


MUSICAL THEATRE: I really wish we didn’t have to thank the tech crew, those guys don’t do shit.


COMPUTING: I think I’m gonna quit this gig and open a restaurant called Mega Bites.


LIFE SCIENCES: I always schedule the midterm the day after St. Patrick’s Day because I genuinely hate students and want them to be unhappy.


CHEMISTRY: I have students mix the acid I use to dissolve my victims.


SOCIOLOGY: I’m secretly thrilled Jonestown happened. It really spices up my lectures.


EDUCATION: I’ve always had a thing for teachers.


POLITICS: I am an Anarchist and I really resent working at an institution named after the monarchy.


PHILOSOPHY: Sometimes I go to class sober.


HISTORY: I killed JFK.

It Came from Clark Hall