Teenage heart-throb Justin Trudeau has been known for his dashing good looks, and his reinvigoration of the Liberal Party. But fuck all that, let’s get down to the real reason we all touch our crotches when this man speaks. His. Fucking. Hair. Seriously man, he looks like he was baptized in a pool of rogaine and Moroccan oil. Literally nothing in Canadian history has gotten both our literal and metaphorical dicks as hard as this man’s luscious locks.
But what if I told you, that Justin Trudeau is not only an imposter, but an imposter too?!?!
A Golden Words source from Ottawa has given us definitive confirmation that Trudeau is
Kenyan suffering from male pattern baldness! Yes that’s right, Parliament’s own Backstreet Boy actually wears a toupee to cover his male pattern baldness. I know you’re thinking: “why do you care?” I care because Justin Trudeau was elected on a LIE. Do you think people really voted him in because he has “progressive policies” or “tax plans?” Fucking bullshit, he was elected because of the beautifully crafted birds nest of protein filaments extending from his dermis. I’m going to lay out all my evidence for you here. And if you don’t believe me by the end of this, only god and Kathleen Wynne can save you.
1: WHERE IS HIS BODY HAIR!??
He always wears suits! SUITS COVER THE WHOLE BODY, THEREFORE IF WE CAN’T SEE HIS BODY HAIR, HOW CAN WE BE SURE HE HAS ANY?? Why does this man need to wear suits anyways? Oh because he’s a “diplomat?” Wrong, it’s because he’s trying to hide that he has no power. His political power is rooted in his mane, and he’s doing everything to he can to not let us see how powerless he is. Furthermore, those socks?? There’s only one reason he would ever wear funky socks… to distract from how BALD HE REALLY IS!!!!
2: PIERRE TRUDEAU WAS BALD, WHY IS JUSTIN NOT????
I know what you’re thinking, how can we even be sure that Pierre is actually Justin’s father when he looks more like Castro than anything else? Well we know because Pierre said he is, and that’s enough proof for Golden Words. And if there’s anyone we can trust with good judgement, it’s a man who dated Barbra Streisand. And if Bab’s boy toy looked like Mr Clean by the time he was 13, WHY DOESN’T JUSTIN? It’s a government conspiracy Morty! I mean, Sheeple! Until Justin has given us definitive proof that he isn’t bald, we have every reason to think he is. After all, isn’t that the foundation of our judicial system? Guilty until proven innocent
3: WHAT ARE TOUPEES MADE OF? OIL. WHO HAS OIL? THE SAUDI’S
No don’t give me that look. Fake hair rugs are made of petroleum by-products, I saw it on Info-Wars so I know it’s real. And who better to give Justin his hair rugs than the largest oil producer in the middle east? Don’t give me that whole “what about the oil sands!?” bullshit. The oil sands were an astral projection created by the Obama administration to quell Western Canada after the 2011 Vancouver Stanley Cup Riots. Sounds crazy, but think about this sheeple. Did you ever hear about the Oil Sand prior to the riots? No? Checkmate. The Saudi’s needed a puppet in Canada so they hired a conventionally attractive politician’s son and gave him amazing hair. But why would the Saudi’s do this? They’re trying to create a fascist society in which no one can be BALD. The standard for beauty is our prime minister, there’s no political agenda here. They just really don’t like people with male pattern baldness. The Saudi’s create all the world leaders wigs, why do you think Trump went through with that weapons deal? Cause they give him his pathetic excuse of a wig.
Trudeau? More like Tru-I-Don’t-Have-Any-Natural-Hair-So-I-Wear-A-Toupee-Deau.