Doug Ford to Run for Mayor as Brother


On the heels of the revelation that Rob Ford will be abandoning his bid for mayor due to health problems, Doug Ford has announced that he will be running in his brother’s place.
At an emotionally charged press conference this past Tuesday, the elder Ford passionately shouted, ‘I will keep Ford Nation going strong the only way I know how, by changing my first name and running for mayor as my brother Rob! There will be a Ford in office, just as sure as there are $2.79 Whoppers at Burger King on Whopper Wednesdays.’
Doug Ford has filed the appropriate paperwork to legally change his name to Rob Ford, and plans to adopt his younger brother’s habits and mannerisms to complete the transformation.
“OMNOMMMM, I’M OM… I AM TRYING (belch) TRYING MY HARDEST TO BE… TRYING TO BE 100% ROB FORD RIGHT NOW” Doug struggled to say as he chewed through his second quarter pounder of the press conference. After drinking from a glass bottle, the label of which was covered by a brown LCBO bag, Doug Ford elaborated, “What I mean, is that the City of Toronto will not be deprived of the great man that is Rob Ford. I have already hired a Jamaican guy I’ve known since the 80’s to be my Patois coach, I have slept on the floor of the mayor’s office and I know the cashiers at Wendy’s on a first and last name basis. I’ve even stopped taking the heart medication that my doctor prescribes me so that my blood pressure will go up!”
Moving into his campaign policy, Doug Said “We Fords know how to save money! We can still use the thousands of ‘re-elect Rob Ford’ signs we have lying all over the place. By changing my name to Rob and running as my brother, I won’t even have to pay the $60 dollar fee to register a campaign! The only Gravy train we will not cut down on is the gravy that goes on top of my poutine!”
When informed by a member of the media that he would still have to register a new campaign because sharing an exact name as someone does not legally make you the same person, Doug became red in the face and angrily accused the reporter of being a ‘communist pedophile who should stop supporting the gravy train and go out and get a real life job.’
Doug Ford has already begun aggressively campaigning. He held a photo op with his brother at SunnyBrook Hospital at which Rob handed Doug his oversized, sweat stained campaign suits. A tear rolled down Doug Ford’s face as his ailing younger brother presented him with the key to the mayoral liquor cabinet, and a baggy containing a suspicious looking white substance. “It’s uh… flour. It’s definitely flour. I’m going to be…. baking…. later tonight”, Doug responded when asked what the baggy contained.
The photo op ended abruptly when Doug was escorted from the building, after making lewd comments to an attractive nurse named Susan.
‘Fuck you Susan! God bless Ford Nation! FORDS ARE TORONTO!’ Doug Ford Bellowed as he screeched out of the Hospital parking lot in his black Escalade.