Down With the Vermin!


I was minding my own business, walking down the street and then BAM! Nutella jar falls from the heavens. Thought one: wormhole. Thought two: maybe thought one wasn’t the most realistic. Thought three: it’s an ATTACK.
I found cover in the nearby bushes and I waited for my attacker to come back for their ammunition. Sure enough, a squirrel emerged and serpentined toward the empty jar and then pulled it back towards a tree. I stepped out to confront it, and the damn beast threw the jar right back at me. In disgust I looked toward him but the lowly vermin stared back with black, demonic, beady eyes and a look that seemed to say, “Bitch, make yourself useful and get me more of this Nutella.”
I’m not one to let things go. I was given a rodent threat and I must be avenged. People of the world, we must make a stand. Do you want squirrels taking over our lives? Do you want squirrels enslaving us to make Nutella? Do you want to live out the rest of your days in a sad, sorry slump of a life where your only joy is being whipped by your squirrel overlord? I, for one, do not. Today we make a stand or tomorrow we will forever be bowed in front of a creature that is no better than a fluffy tailed rat.
Why this realization has taken so long, I cannot fathom. By applying the simple rule of a friends’ enemy is your enemy this could have long ago been deduced. Man’s best friend is the dog and what dog has ever liked a squirrel? They’ve been defending us since the beginning of humankind and what a thankless job it has been. Since the start, the dog has chased the squirrel, and now, with that simple tactic we can reclaim this campus, this city, the world from the bushy menace.
If we all banded together and did not let a single squirrel pass in peace, they could be beaten down to their true size. We would stand strong as we chased and yelled at the vermin. Their hope and confidence could be forever wiped away. No longer would we see their smug faces as they sat and licked an ice cream cone or munched on a grilled cheese that we had discarded. They could be reduced to slinking in shadows where even our garbage was too good for them, too much of a risk for their person. The human is the king of the food chain, not the squirrel. It is how it was meant to be and it is our duty as the current generation to protect that right.
There is risk in such a bold attack. I would be a fool not to admit it. War is a costly thing, but sometimes the end justifies the means. Squirrel attacks are no laughing matter and some will fall victim to them. From my brief encounter my pride was hurt, my self-esteem broken and I will have nightmares of my attack into my elderly years, but this is a burden I am willing to carry if it means that other’s can be saved from the horror. We must stand together. It is the only option.