Eat Like the Self-Sufficient Adult your Tinder Portrays You to Be


Now that I no longer live in residence and get to eat whatever the fuck I want, I’ve stumbled upon the idea of meal prep. This is so necessary since otherwise my entire diet would consist of the eight different types of granola bars I splurged on at Metro on student discount day.

I tried doing this during frosh week by making ten sandwiches with ham, cheese and cucumber since these are the only foods I can afford. However, what I didn’t realize is that cucumbers are LITERALLY WATER and I ended up drinking my sandwiches. That was not my only mistake, sadly. The biggest error of judgement was thinking I could eat ten sandwiches in three days. Now I get why everyone says they have coeliac disease, bread is gross.

I should at least plan what I’m going to eat for dinner since the spaghetti and no name pasta sauce is not stimulating my taste buds like my mom’s spaghetti and brand name pasta sauce normally does. Although maybe it’s not the brand that’s messing with me, it might be the fact that I’ve eaten the same dinner 12 days in a row. Thank god I switched it up a little yesterday and had straight up boiled beans for dinner. I am the epitome of health.

The other struggle I have when meal prepping is at the grocery store, how much am I supposed to buy?? Are 24 yogurts enough for me if I usually eat one every once in awhile? What about three dozen eggs? I need to call my mom.

Since I don’t have to share my food with any dependents, like my parents, I’ll also no longer run into the orange juice issue. Since I’m a little sadistic, I hope you all share in this struggle. It’s when you think there isn’t much orange juice left so you start swigging straight from the carton only to realize a few generous sized gulps in that you’ve now committed to drinking half a litre of citrusy hell.

I remember being so young and naïve in first year, dreaming of cooking my own meals so I wouldn’t have to eat a sandwich from Ban ever again (a banwich lol). Who knew cooking was so goddamned hard? My life plan of getting my degree to attract a rich husband and then quickly transitioning into a housewife is being shattered. Now I might have to join that whole feminism movement and actually use my engineering degree to be a self-sufficient and empowered female. UGH.