A wise man once told me “these are the best years of your life kid. Don’t waste them, because before you know it you it they’ll be gone.” But that guy’s dead now, so fuck him.
Hi I’m Joe Craib, editor of Golden Words, and I’d like to talk to all of you about how to get the most of your university experience as possible. And by that I mean having as much weird, freaky, awesome SEX as possible. I am about to tell you about my recent sexual renaissance. And you might just learn a thing or two.
Now please disregard that I am not a “sexpert”, because I like to stay humble. I’m actually more like a “sexard” (sex wizard – because I make magic, Just to clarify – I don’t have sex with lizards). Regardless, you should listen to me because I am in a newspaper and therefore superior to you.
Now that I’m in third year, I’ve been at university long enough to realize that there is a whole world of erotic activities that you don’t even know about. Its also very weird to hear people talk openly about sex and sexuality in public spaces in an honest, non-joking way. This would never be permissible back home, where the only acceptable way to talk about sex is don’t. Meanwhile at Queen’s, I can be with a group of people openly discussing how their foxkin orgy was a little bit awkward the night before. Wow!
So I thought to myself: “I need to catch up on all the awesome sexual escapades I’ve missed out on the past few years.” So I finally decided to bite the bullet, say “fuck you, Residence Don” and go for floorcest. Now this was going to be a tricky operation, seeing as I no longer live in residence. However, I would not let that deter me. First I sought out my
target first year soulmate. I looked at all the usual first year locations – Lazy, Booster Juice (only those on a meal plan can afford that shit) and The Spot, presuming they have fakes – but there was nothing. Then fate intervened and I ran into a party of first year girls celebrating their friend Anna’s 19th birthday. Perfect! Not only was she a first year, but do you know how much better it feels to try and hook up with a 19 year old than an 18 year old?!
She (and her friends – losers) were on their way from pre-ing to Ale, and I decided “now or never” and using my charms, made my way into their party. Now let me be clear – I had no intention of taking advantage of her while she was drunk. Therefore I needed to get far more drunk than they were. Challenge accepted!
The next morning I awoke to screaming. “Wake me up, before you go go! Don’t wanna miss it when you hit that high…” ‘Man, my alarm song is so loud!’ I pondered to myself. ‘ What time is it? What happened last night? Last thing I remember, I was trying to do floor… oh shit! No! I’m at home! I must have got too drunk! Ugh goddammit.’
I crawled out of bed and headed towards the shower, the one place where no one can tell if you’re crying. As I walked towards the door I noticed a note pinned to it: “Dear Joe. Sorry I couldn’t stay but, as I am in first year, I have class like super early. Thanks for last night though 🙂 A.” I’ll take it.