It’s that time of the year again, folks. No, not to desperately find a significant other before Valentines Day (though you should probably also get on that shit). It’s AMS election season!
Or at least it would be, if not for the sudden coup of the Exec office by Team CBW. So, I would like to take this time to exalt my endorsement for Team CBW!
May their glorious reign of Chinniah, Beaudry and Wright last for a thousand years. Never before has mankind produced such a fine selection of overlords to dictate the every move and thought of the unworthy peasants beneath them.
I have not read their platform one bit, but I do not attribute that to laziness – I attribute it to an never-fleeting trust in their ambition, intelligence and rationality. I have no doubt that they will choose to enact the policies that are best for the Queen’s community. . .and if anyone has any idea what they are, please let me know immediately.
Now this week, our cover features our own Golden Words AMS team, ZZZ. As we are a humour newspaper, this was simply intended to be humorous and is in no way threatening the mighty rule of CBW. You guys know humour, right? Like, it’s funny because all their policies are sleep related. But DON’T WORRY – because the ADDITIONAL joke is that they slept through the registration period, so they can’t run anyway. And besides, ZZZ isn’t even real, guys! I really hope that clears things up and the Secret Police StuCons don’t come knocking on my door tonight.
Did I mention earlier how AWESOME Team CBW is? They’re SO COOL! Like if I was their friend (imagine how cool that would be!) I would just hang around them all the time. Was Gandhi this cool? Doubt it. Are any democratically elected leaders out there this cool? No way, Jose.
And let’s talk about democracy. Now normally, leaders in the Western world have to endure the slings and arrows of the democratic process – campaigning, getting their faces out to the voter base, being voted into power by the citizens they govern. But not my boys at CBW! (and girl, I think – they have not shown their faces to anyone). They went all punk rock, said “fuck this noise”, and then they were just suddenly in power. Way to stick it to the man(y) guys!
I personally am looking forward to the coming 2015-16 governing season, which happens to coincide with my final year at Queen’s. While I do REALLY REALLY like CBW, I have to speak candidly and say I will miss democracy somewhat. I know a tyrannical oligarchy is for the best, but part of me will always long for an election like 2013’s. That was pure entertainment. It had everything: a scandal and replacement, a fucking bridge no one liked, Craig Dregger accused of racism, and a hurricane of chaos known as Alexander Prescott. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. But now it’s time for elections to be tossed into the dustbin of history’s failed experiments, where it will rot along with Communism, Emo music, and the Harlem Shake. RIP fads: you had your time, now get the fuck out. Because there’s a new sheriff in town, and his name is “how dare you ask me my name, prole!”
So here’s to Team CBW and their inevitable empire – may the sun never set on their fair dominion! Let’s just hope the cops don’t discover that you’ve been using all the “construction sites” around town as Gulags. Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.