I, (your name) choose to ____(Primary Option)______ as my New Years Resolution. I swear to God I will not give up on this before the date of ______(Secondary Option)____. I hold Joe Craib and/or his
band of thugs associates personally responsible for the enforcement of this resolution.
Here are some of your Primary Options:
- Postpone to Chinese New Years. Better yet, delay most of your holiday celebrations to their alternative dates – such as celebrating Orthodox Christmas on January 7th (today!) instead of what I can assume is Unorthodox Christmas on December 25th; or American Thanksgiving at the end of November (during which you can make the excuse that it is too snowy to visit your family).
- Exercise More. This is if you are far too boring to come up with anything better – you’re probably already in good enough shape and have a bad body image, or you’re out of shape because you’re lazy which means that unless you resolve to be less lazy, you won’t bother with exercising.
- Eat Healthier/ diet. Another body-based resolution, but far less intrusive to everyone else than going to the gym. Unless you’re one of those people that tells everyone about your new diet, especially if it’s an “ethical” choice such as veganism or being gluten-free, which, seeing as there are people who are actually allergic to gluten, is the equivalent of an able-bodied person using a wheelchair to get shoulder gains.
- Find Yourself. This is a bullshit resolution. Get a real resolution, Joanne.
- Complete/ work towards completing degree at Queen’s University. No. Who are you, Daniel Woolf? No, he already has a Queen’s degree, so what’s your excuse Joanne? Never resolve to do this. It’s worthless.
- Be nicer. C’mon, no one likes a pussy.
- Be Angrier. Nothing important ever got done in this world without someone yelling and/or throwing a chair across the room.
- Travel. This is a very broad suggestion and could, by definition, mean going to Gananoque or to Australia. Your options are as limitless as your (or your parents’) credit card.
- Stop Reading List-Based Articles. You will not do this.
- Go sober. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA good fucking luck buddy!
As for the Secondary Options, here are some prospective dates for which to uphold your resolution.
- January 2nd. You’ve already failed.
- January 31st. You’re gonna give it the ol’ “college try” which means not try very hard at all and burn out by the end of the month.
- March 17th. St. Patrick’s day is generally a good time to forget something and regret it forever.
- June 1st. Congratulations! You made it halfway through the year. Time to celebrate the end of that hellish half year and start living.
- December 31st. I am honestly terrified of you.