Look, I get it. When you’re on campus and you’re late for class sometimes you just wanna grab some Timmies. But then once in a while becomes once a day, everyday, or even more. And it’s not just Timmies. Pizza Pizza, CoGro, Canadian Grilling Company, Starbucks and a bunch of other restaurant chains that we can’t mention because they didn’t pay for this sweet product placement.
iPhone 6 – The sign of design. With you in mind.
It’s very easy to get caught in a downward spiral if you factor in a lack of exercise, school being structured in a way that you spend 12 hours a day on a computer, and ritualistically downing a 12 pack of beer every weekend.
Personally, as a film student, I spend a lot of time on film sets. And I don’t mean proper, professional sets, I mean shitty student production sets where, if there even is food, it’s 90% donuts, chips, Red Bull and coffee. So what do you expect me to do, NOT eat the donuts?
Always Fresh, Always Tim Hortons – our donuts are a Canadian tradition.
So suffice to say, whether I’m working or on campus for an extended period of time, my diet goes to shit. And, frankly, it’s all your fault.
Well not you specifically. But I mean you as a whole reading audience. You’re all contributing to the negative societal pressure that forces you to eat shitty, but also be fit. That’s bullshit! And you all know how easy it is to stop this – just stop buying fast food. Literally just never buy it ever again even in emergencies, and we can bring down the machine. Plus, c’mon – you’re reading? That involves sitting down – you’re so lazy. Stand up and walk around for once. Newsprint is dead anyway.
Also, have you even heard of fruits and veggies you fat fucks? Ya, they grow out of the goddamn ground like some kind of science fiction. Did you know plants are actually alive??? So if you eat them, then you get the feeling of taking a life with your mouth? Thats some Discovery Channel shit.
I know thats a lot of handle, but you guys really have to pull your weight, due to my personal vow to never eat vegetables. This is totally not laziness, this is because vegetables killed my grandfather. He was fighting in WWII, got shot by the alli…I mean Nazis, and died in a field of cabbages. Those bastard leafy greens! He was just a kid, dammit! So, call me prejudiced, but I’m just suspicious of all fruit and vegetables now. I mean, do we even really know what kale is? I’ve never seen it being grown – how do we know it’s not genetically-modified, steroid filled, and made in a Japanese factory?
The Toyota Yaris: $14, 575 also made in a Japanese factory
Vegetables were always kinda sketchy characters anyway. Like, plants you can eat? What are we, Brachiosauruses? Technically we’re reversing evolution when we eat those things. So you know what, fuck it, don’t eat vegetables. This was fucking pointless.
Golden Words: Canada’s National Newspaper since 1967