Editorial: How Did I Get Here?

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Today, I woke up, duct taped to a Clark Hall Couch, my bloodshot eyes blearily taking in the scene in front of me. Blood Everywhere. I looked down in horror to the sight of surgical scars. Someone had taken my kidney. They left a note. “I.O.U. one kidney”. I screamed through the duct tape, and there was movement in the far corner of the room. Out of the shadows emerged an enormous hippo dressed in surgical scrubs, his malevolent red eyes staring deep into my soul. He approached me, each menacing step shaking the floor. I shivered and my internal organs rattled like dice. (They were now one kidney looser). The hippo stuck his monstrous face an inch from mine, then opened his mouth. His breath smelled like an townie orgy: like darts, farts and delight. Then he spoke, deadly quiet, in a tone like an ashtray. “WAKE UP YOU HAVE TO WRITE YOUR EDITORIAL”

I woke up in a sweat; it was all a dream. Then I tried to get up and, horrified, I realized I was duct taped to a chair. This is crazy; I looked down and again saw a jagged stapled wound gashed into my abdomen. And again, a sticky note saying “I.O.U. One Kidney”. My good god, what kind of world am I living in? I looked up, horrified, expecting to see a hippo, but instead I saw EngSoc President Julie Tseng, again dressed in surgeon’s scrubs, cleaning a bloody scalpel. She turned around and stared at me balefully, her eyes like tiny fiery hellholes. Then she opened her fiery maw and screamed “DO YOUR EDITORIAL!”

I woke up again, this time thankfully not duct taped to a chair but happily in my own bed. Unhappily, I was covered in my own semen. This was the day I discovered my fetish for hippo surgeons…

Hi everybody, it’s Sam Codrington, incoming editor of Golden Words here, writing my first editorial for this fine paper. I’d like to apologize, things got pretty hairy in that last paragraph. But sue me. This is my first editorial for GW, I’ve been working as editor and I have absolutely nothing that I want to say in this column. I think this whole thing is stupid. I don’t want to be editor anymore, just to avoid this god awful waste of paper and time. Nothing particularly exciting happened this week and I don’t have anything to talk about. I’m currently sitting in a room crowded with our new staff which I am super excited to be working with. Except Noah, fuck Noah. It’s going to be an exciting year, seeing as it’s our 50th volume of Golden Words. We’ll probably do something super cool to celebrate it, like have a birthday party orgy, or maybe I don’t know, buy a blimp or something. It’s going to be cool, no matter what it is, be jealous you’re not on staff. Sucks to suck readers. But remember the only thing preventing you from joining our staff is how lazy you are. So congratulations. You’re stupid…

 

Do you know what, I’ve decided I really should just stop talking right now. This is getting silly. So I’m just going to pinch this one off, wipe my butt, and wash my hands of this whole mess.

Til Next Week,

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