Editorial: I bought a gun!


Let me back up a bit.


In light of tragic events that took place last week in Paris, I can feel nothing but sadness and solidarity for my fellow satirists at Charlie Hebdo. And I would like to take this time to say something that may prove “controversial” or “inflammatory”, but it is something that’s been on my mind for a very long time and I think is extremely relevant to the perilous times we live in: Terrorism is bad.


Have we been fire-bombed yet? Hattie? HATTIE?! Oh, okay, never mind she’s down there. But the hate is sure to come our way very soon. I know some so-called “liberals” out there won’t appreciate this opinion, but there are many facts out there that say that terrorism is a violent, oppressive belief system. It encourages its believers to commit destructive acts and terrorists have many times openly criticized our Western culture.


Now I know it would be unreasonable to assume that EVERY terrorist is a violent maniac who hates freedom – I’m sure that there are plenty of terrorists who live peaceful, hardworking lives and are welcomely integrated into Western society. But it’s those crazy, fear-mongering terrorists that we have to watch out for. Frankly, I believe our society should do more to stop terrorists – like giving terrorists extra screening at the airport. Or, doing what I did and buy a motherfucking gun.


If I’m being honest here, I have no idea about the legality of firearms in Canada. I know that our constitution does not guarantee the right to bear arms or bare arms (which is a whole other kind of gun show (ladies)). However, it seems like hunting is very popular in our country, most likely because there’s so much land and nature is trying to kill us, so I know many people with rifles. And people still get shot in cities such as Toronto, and those murderers have to get their guns somewhere.


When I went out to buy the gun, I realized the surprising lack of gun stores in Kingston. It seems that I would have to look on the black market. But where is the black market? Google Maps was no help and when I asked what I thought was a helpful police officer on the street, he made some threatening inquiries as to why I was looking for a gun. Apparently he got his from the police department, which doesn’t seem to want to give out guns to strangers afraid of terrorists. So I went to Craigslist and got a 44 magnum for $200 dollars and a blowjob. What a steal!


So now my house is properly armed for protection from any terrorist attack that may result from this editorial being published. Same with any classroom, supermarket, or houseparty I happen to visit, because my magnum is with me 24/7 tucked into the front of my pants – like a penis! I get all the symbolism in movies now!


So I hope that you can all sleep easy now, knowing that the possibly insane editor (still waiting on that call from my shrink!) of the second funniest newspaper on campus currently has a gun dick ready to kill any terrorist/ pizza man in sight.