Editorial: I got high for free!


I’m all for doing something new and exciting, especially two days before school starts again. So the day before I was scheduled to return to Kingston, I went bouldering for the first time. It was a lot of fun, especially the part where I fell from 3 meters high directly on my arm and immediately dislocated my elbow.


Now I’ve watched Chinese action films where a martial artist could dislocate a dozen of the villain’s joints in a split second, then relocate them in another split second after the bad guy has learned his lesson, so I knew I’d be okay as soon as I’m taken care of by a martial artist. So I thought I’d enjoy the ride.  It was the first time I had an ambulance called for me. Actually it’s the first time I’ve had to go to the ER ever. There were so many people giving me help and attention; I was the center of everything and it’s great! Except for like ten people asking me the same things over and over while I just want to throw my detached arm bone at them so they’d shut up.


Lo and behold, I got to the hospital. Doctors poked around on my elbow asking me questions for a bit. “Does this hurt? How about this? This hurts right? Yeah? Ahaha I know just how to make you hurt don’t I?” Said the doctor while he dug into the part of my elbow that made me feel like a million ants were having a feast of elbow meat in there and smiling like the Joker. I’ve since learned that ER doctors love their jobs because they’re closet sadists.


Soon I’m wheeled into a room. I asked the doctor with the needle what it was, and he said it’s something that’s gonna make me feel “funny”. ” Soon you’ll start smelling colours!”


Next thing I know, I had a swiff of purple, then I was sent on a roller coaster by the doctors. “Let’s put on some music and let her enjoy the ride,” said a doctor. They must be operating me via virtual reality, because the whole roller coaster ride feels like a continuous warp of spacetime such that a three dimensional space is created within the five dimensional singularity within the interior of a black hole!


The ride was concaving into a wormhole with a green dragon’s head in the middle. After about an entire night, I finally converged the green dragon’s head into a green tile in the corner of the ceiling. A few dark shadows approached me, it seemed to be my mom and dad. I should look at them, but the world is still spinning. I should talk to them, but where is my mouth?


“Your mouth is right here, Hattie,” said a voice that sounded like my mother. She might have put her finger on my mouth, but it felt kinda like an ice marshmallow. “Am I conversing coherently?” I might have asked. “Yes you are, Hattie.” “Wow, how do I talk if I don’t have a mouth? I’m so high. Hahahahahahaha.” “Gosh, you should talk less, you’re embarrassing us and disturbing other patients.”


I should swallow some saliva, but I can’t feel my mouth! Oh wait, some liquid seemed to have flowed down my throat, I guess I can swallow.


“Wow, I’m so high! Hahahahaha! How long has it been?” “It’s been three minutes.” “Wow, it seems like two hours, hahahahaha! Write it down, this is hilarious, put it in the newspaper, hahahahaha!”


The doctors came back in. I was getting calmer; I could speak clearly in both English and Chinese while giggling and bawling my eyes out at the same time. I wanted to tell the doctors I’m high and thank them for the amazing experience. “We know. It’s good; people pay for this, you know? The hospital is the best place to be high!”


And that’s how I learned how to do drugs legally, for free, and in the comfort of a bed surrounded by loved ones. The only thing is I felt like I couldn’t do physics while I was high. I mean, I usually could still do physics while drunk.


Maybe I should take my wisdom teeth out… Four times!