Editorial: I Hate Summer


As I sit in this gloomy upstairs dungeon listening to the misery of the Kingston rain, looking forward to the next eight months of utter hopelessness and depression, I reach the following epitome: I hate summer.
Because the last four months were the worst four months of my life; even worse than the following eight months will ever be. Actually, come to think of it, every year’s May to August is the worst May to August of that year. But this summer, it has been the worst. 
Like many university students, I spent a large chunk of my summer taking summer courses. But instead of having the luxury of taking an online course where I can study in the comfort of my own loneliness at three o’clock in the morning before the final exam, I was deployed into a haunted old house, in the middle of the wilderness on a big-ass island, by the name of Herstmonceux Castle. 
It was horrible. Whenever I wanted to talk to my friends, they’d always be asleep! I don’t know why suddenly everyone changed their sleep schedule by five hours. In my utter sadness over my loss of friends, I went to hangout by the 800 year old chestnut trees, when suddenly a peacock shat on my head! I much prefer Kingston rain to peacock shit; that shit’s horrible! Like many university students, I spent a large chunk of my summer travelling in a different continent such as Europe. By myself. Everyone around me were always casting spells upon me and made me constantly lost! I mean, I couldn’t understand what anyone was saying, so assuming English is the only language spoken in the world, if they’re not speaking English that I understand, they must be casting spells. That was horrible. 
Also like many university students, I spent a large chunk of my summer being stuck with a lot of people I didn’t like. Collectively, they were called “family”. My grand-aunts and uncles kept forcing me to go out with them and suffer through them treating me to free gourmet Chinese food that was once my favourite. They completely sabotaged my plan to diet and will forever ruin my highly trained poor-student-taste-buds. Now I will no longer be able to eat rice with soy sauce for dinner everyday and still feel glad that I’m not starving. It’s gonna be horrible. Thanks, grand-aunt! 
Again like many university students, I spent a large chunk of my summer having a summer job. I chose the easy way out by asking one of my profs for a research position instead of emailing my resume to dozens of real employers and getting pathetically rejected. It was horrible. Actually nah, having a job was pretty sweet. 
Like most people living in a country with nothing but lots of trees and rocks and rocks and trees and water, I went camping. It was a romantic excursion where I exchanged bodily fluids with several dozen females…or with several females for dozens of times. Collectively, they were known as “mosquitoes” – like “tomatoes”, but not like “photos”. The right side of my face swelled up like half of a chipmunk’s face for several days; people wondered if I got my wisdom teeth removed on just one side. It was very fucking non-consensual, and I was traumatized. So here I am, very ready to end the worst season of the year.