Editorial: I’ve made a horrible mistake!


Oh dear God! What horrors have I just witnessed? What more can almost certainly lie ahead? I have entered the valley of darkness for which there is no return.This is my campus Halloween adventure.
You may be raising an eyebrow or two right now due to the fact that I am telling you a Halloween adventure despite the fact that it is the 29th of October and not yet Halloween. WELL THAT’S WHAT MAKES THIS EVEN SCARIER! It appears the spirits have decided to not wait until the 31st to torment me.
It all started as an average morning – waking up at 11 am angry at myself for missing my morning classes. It was in the shower that I came face to face with the first of my tormenting poltergeists. It started to feel like a normal, albeit erotic dream. It was sort of like that scene in Ghost, that movie that your parents probably masturbated to. Except this time I was real, and this lovely, naked lady was a ghost who climbed into my shower (granted, I don’t know if there’s an erotic shower scene in Ghost, but it was the best analogy I could come up with).
“Holy shit” I thought to myself, obviously. But as soon as it got hot, it took a turn for the satanic. Her body shattered into a thousand black spiders, who covered my shower in their creepy crawling little legs swarming around me.
*Trigger warning: this editorial contains graphic spiders*
I should have taken that as a sign that I should have taken the day off. Alas, I was committed to getting swole and headed to the gym, despite having just showered and knowing I will just get sweaty and have to shower again. My routine at the gym was going well, using the usual motivation of “if you get ten reps out of this set, you can get Subway afterwards”. I was engaged in a micro-competition with some douche beside me, and then it happened again. One moment he was making grunting noises that could give a mountain lion a seizure, the next his head was spinning around and he was spewing vomit all over me, screaming “Regan’s in here! With us!”. Just like in that movie…I wanna say… “Shawshank Redemption”? Sounds about right.
By the time I was walking to my 2:30 class, I knew that this wasn’t gonna be my day. At this point in the day, I could see various demons, spirits, wandering souls and other ghastly things around me everywhere. A goat demon perched atop Ontario Hall. Two headless twins guarding the doors to the JDUC. A girl with an axe in her abdomen waiting for a latté at Starbucks. Then, I approached my final destination: Mac-Corry. I descended into the hellish labyrinth saying a silent prayer.  Then, out of nowhere, there he was. My great-great-great-uncle Billiam, was staring at me, blocking path. He said nothing, simply handing me a shotgun and nodding once. I glanced down at the gun, then back at Billiam to thank him…but he had already vanished.
I took a deep breath, cocked the gun, and began to take on the gauntlet of demons that lay in my path to my mandatory tutorial. I screamed “THIS IS FOR YOU, PAUL WALKER!!!” and charged. I picked off demons left and right as I went, their black blood cloaking me with each close-range target I hit. But it was working! They were thinning out! I guess all those hours spent killing 13 year olds in COD finally paid off.
I reached my tutorial unscathed, though drenched in a black, steaming ooze from the depths of Hell. My tutorial gave me a bit of an odd glance, though not too much more than usual. I sat down, prepared to take my in-class midterm. Only the mid-term was cancelled and moved to next week. I had gotten out of bed for nothing. I had made a horrible mistake..
The End.