I promise that this will not turn into one of those conventional rants about winter weather by people that seem to forget what winter feels like. That’s not saying that this promise won’t probably be broken, I’m just promising – you can’t hold anyone to that.
I also promise that I will keep this editorial within the confines of my given editorial space. I got a call from our good friends at EngSoc who threatened to remove my editorial writing duties if I ever did it again. Which, frankly, would be a relief. Do you know how hard it is to come up with this shit every week? Do you think I’m writing about the weather because I want to? No, it’s because this would be a blank space otherwise.
So, in my exploration of the titular Mother Nature and her ways, I must first figure out exactly who this is. I’m assuming that MN is a personification of the many complex atmospheric processes which determine the climate of the Earth, but it’s more fun to assume it’s some woman in a dirt-covered Fortress of Solitude in the Amazon who kind of looks like Judi Dench in a Caribana costume. Every culture has had this female figure representing the Earth’s powers, such as the Ancient Greeks with Gaia, or James Cameron with his Avatar tree-spirit bullshit. Regardless, they all end up hating this person when winter hits.
I’ve never had a real problem with winter. It’s a whole lot better than Autumn, which is just cold but with rain instead of snow. Rain is far worse than snow, because it gets you wet (not in a good way). Plus, that chick from Frozen never sang “Do You Want to Build a Rainman?” – that would just be a sad song about creating an autistic man played by Dustin Hoffman.
Nonetheless, I spent 48 times this week travelling to and from Sudbury, Ontario – driving through a snowstorm twice and hiking 1.5km in the snow twice. The fact that it was for a film shoot is irrelevant. What is relevant is that is that the weather was, at some points, completely unpredictable; and at some other times, totally predictable. Like the snowstorm we hit during our drive was in the exact same area both going there and back: Parry Sound. Fuck Parry Sound, your police closed the road and made me have to reschedule my bus tickets three time. Side note – did you know Parry Sound has a subreddit, r/parrysound? It has 10 posts – the top rated one is titled “wow there’s a Parry Sound subreddit”. We looked there for information about the road being closed only to find a bunch of conspiracy theory posts about “secret land deals” from 4 years ago.
Now that I’m back in Kingston and the snow has come and gone and probably come again (I cannot, unfortunately, predict the future) it’s time to settle in for the full barrage of people complaining about the cold. Maybe Mother Nature is a 20 year old girl in winter gear that would better suit an arctic explorer, going on and on about how Canadian winters suck, which justifies why people say that she is always in a bad mood. Regardless, suck it up, stay inside as much as you can and ride it out, you pussies.