Editorial: My Friend Is Too Layz


My friend Bob just called me to ask if he could come to Golden Words Pressnite with a Tupperware container to bring home some Rahim’s Cuisine leftovers. As I do not feel entitled to the complimentary refreshments for our staff, and as an obliged good friend, I couldn’t say no.
“Thanks buddy,” he said. “I have a meal plan, but I’m in Arts and don’t have class on Monday, so I don’t wanna go all the way to campus, so I’d just starve unless I had free food at home. I’m not actually gonna write any articles, but I’ll come to Pressnite before dinner time!” Wow, Bob, I didn’t know your life was so difficult!
That’s when I realized that my dear friend Bob is way too layz. Or lazy. But layz kind of implies you lay down and catch some z’s, which is what Bob does a lot.
He will only eat something within arms reach. One time I picked up an Oreo from a table a meter away, I twisted it open, and I ate the top cookie to save the cream for later. That’s when he grabbed the creamy half from my hand and ate it. I was so pissed! And then he said, “You should eat the creamy half first; I don’t like the cream.”
He wears nothing but a cape because putting limbs in sleeves is too much work.
He voted for Rob Ford just because his name is the shortest to read on the ballot.
One time he showed up at my door with a girl at 1am because he’s too lazy to walk another block to his house to have sex. He brought the girl to my living room and started making out with her on the couch. I was too asleep to do anything about it. Besides, I kind of liked the gentle yet passionate sounds of snogging coming through my wall.
Ten minutes later, as I finally synced my breathing to the moaning across the wall, I heard Bob yell at me: “Hattie, can you get me a condom?”
I face-palmed. Then I grabbed a condom and walked to the living room. There he was, fly half undone, with the girl quite unimpressed and staring at me with her mouth open. I rolled my eyes, then I threw the condom at Bob. That’s when he said to me, “You know what, this sex thing is too much hassle. You should take over.”
Just how lazy can you be, Bob? How much work is it to bend a girl over and do a series of censored actions to her and then go to sleep happily? I decided to demonstrate it to him, so I bent the girl over and did a series of censored actions to her. All the while we complained to each other just how lazy Bob is, and then we went to sleep happily.