Editorial: New Year’s Resolutions


I figure if I publically publicize my New Year’s resolutions by publishing it in a publication, I may have somewhat of a chance of upholding them.

Usually I just tell my friends this kind of stuff, like “hey you know what, I’m just not gonna get in a relationship this year. Or get drunk. Or ask people to make out with me randomly.” By January 5th one of the promises is usually broken, so obviously only telling my friends is not enough of an incentive. This time I’ll tell even MORE people, and seal the deal a month before the New Year. See if that’ll motivate me enough.

First of all, I want to eat healthier. I will not eat anything that may contain salmonella when raw, so I will not eat chicken or eggs. I will not eat fish due to mercury. I will not eat anything that’s microwaved or otherwise heated by radiation, such as sun dried tomatoes, in case I get cancer and mutate. I will not drink anything that has a sugar content.  I will not eat anything that contains fats, carbohydrates, or calories.

I also want to exercise more. I will join a CrossFit club.

I want to be more attractive. I will watch a YouTube beauty tutorial each night. I will get fashion advice from people who are in Arts. I will finally respond to the Penis Enhancement offer that I receive often through my email – it promises me that I can give women the satisfaction they want!

But for the real things. In 2015, I will not get black out drunk, or overdose on drugs. I will not trip on a rock while walking on a flat sidewalk and break my pelvis. I will overcome my daddy issues and learn what love is, maybe.

I will get my driver’s licence again – after my G1 has been expired for a year – and get a job. At least that would be my plan. As a backup plan, I will fail my road test. I will give up on applying for jobs after writing half of three applications and being late to one interview. I will then knock on my professors’ doors and ask if they’d let me do grad school with them. With my current GPA, I can easily get an offer. But then my prof will tell me to apply for funding, because they are willing to pay me shit-all from their own budget. I will go on NSERC and attempt to apply for a grant. The website will redirect me to a different portal for accessing the application, and another different portal for filling out my personal information, and another different portal to fill out my curriculum vitae, and another different portal to submit out my references. During this process, my computer will crash fifteen times because it’s been with me for four years already and about to die of old age. As a result, I will fail to get grad school funding, and I will forfeit my grad school offer, and I will move back to my parents’ basement.

While living in my parents’ basement, I will get remember all my childhood trauma and realize my daddy issues once again. I will smuggle alcohol into my parents’ basement and get black out drunk. That will be really unattractive. As a result of my sadness, I will overeat and get cancer. And the year will be the last year of my life.