Editorial: Pole!

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As an Artsci, I get to experience many privileges that other faculties don’t, such as a light class schedule, a 2:1 female-to-male ratio and… fuck, that’s about it. Filmies such as myself have a brand new building, but everyone else has to take classes in Mac-Corry, a building whose worst feature is not in fact that you can get lost in it, but that its design motif makes you feel like you’re about to get stabbed in a subway station. Did you know that Mac-Corry has skylights? It does, but no one notices.
But one thing we don’t have is a singular, otherwise-bizarre frosh week activity. However, the faculty of Applied Science, or “Engineering” as they say on the street, seems to have found theirs: the Grease Pole. And this year, thanks to Golden Words, I got to witness it.
And fuck am I mad.
Why? Because friends, the Grease Pole is a sign that the patriarchy is back and stronger than ever! Some ‘experts’ may argue that the patriarchy had never gone away in the first place, but how can those ignorant naysayers ignore the brave efforts over the last few years that have rid the world completely of the patriarchy? We came up with the phrase “trigger warning”, for God’s sake. Suck it, Greatest Generation! You may have punched the Nazis and the Depression in the dick, but you still don’t know what Snapchat is, so bam! Arguments!
The reason for all of this outrage on my part is, of course, because the pole is a giant penis. I can’t believe no one else recognized this! Back in high school, everyone knew a dick-like object when they saw it, and made sure everyone else saw it too. But now, in our politically correct, ‘sensitive’ culture of pussies and whiners, we just can’t admit that this 25 foot metal pole covered in lanolin is a dick. But it’s more than a dick: it’s a metaphor.
Lets start with the obvious, shall we? The whole point of the event is for the Frosh to mount to the pole and make their way to the top, all by pushing very hard and clinging as close to the pole as possible. Like, does it get more obvious than that? Climbing to the top of the penis symbolizes that the patriarchy, a hierarchical system, is a competition and that the frosh need to get to the top to “succeed” – becoming a “year”. This is emulative of the most masculine man climbing to the top of the patriarchy by being a douchebag and then becoming the biggest “man” amongst his peers
And then there’s the grease, the second part of the two part “Grease Pole”. And it serves as something to counteract the strength and power of the frosh – the resistance, if you will. Thus, the grease is representative of feminism and its refusal to allow others to cling to the patriarchy. But, of course, since this is an event of misogyny and repression, the frosh have to conquer this resistance and make the patriarchy prevail.
As I rapidly arrived at these essay-like conclusions, I also realized why they don’t allow Artsci’s to attend Grease Pole: it is only people like us that are able to realize the inherent systems of repression. If there was a huge group of arts students there, you bet your ass they’d protest. And they can’t have that in engineering. You must be one with the cult. Pfft, talk about exclusivity.
So here’s to you, Sci 18 – you got to the top of the penis and you should be very proud. But remember: when you pick that tam off the top, take a good look at it – it’s an Artsci tam. Just to remind you who the biggest dick of all really is.  

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