Editorial: Queen’s is the Home for You

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Trigger warning: This editorial casually mentions of things such as drug abuse, sex abuse, childhood abuse, and other kinds of depressing things.
It is heartwarming to see all the students back at Queen’s again. Such bright young minds all gathering in this beautiful university, working towards a better future. The days are warm enough for shorts and skirts, and the nights are just cool enough to make the purple GPAs seem weather appropriate. This is truly an inspiring and hopeful time of the year.
Whether it’s students in their graduating year, coming back from a fulfilling term of internship to give their undergraduate life a grand finale; whether it’s upper year students settling down in their desired disciplines of study; whether it’s second year students getting their own private place to legally consummate their marriage to raging alcoholism; or whether it’s first year students finally moving away from their controlling, abusive parents whose only satisfaction in life comes from getting drunk then yelling and beating their children for doing nothing wrong at all, a new school year is a new hope for all.
What I like about Queen’s is that there is a service for everyone in need.
For example, if you’re feeling homesick and lonely, your don lives just down the hall. They are under contract to be paid to be your friend, so you can shamelessly treat them as such. Don’t worry, they won’t judge you at all, because they are not allowed to.
If dons are not your thing, you can move out of residence like so many upper years choose to, and rent some housemates to be your friend. It’s cheaper than residence, so their service is less regulated than the dons. They most likely won’t judge you too much, and if they do, they’ll likely just tell you to fuck off and use any of the other services that I’m about to introduce you to.
If you can’t even rent friends such as housemates, you might just never have any luck finding friends. And that’s okay, because nobody cares. In that case, if you desperately want to talk to someone about your horrible life, you can pick up a phone and just talk to someone at a talkline called TALK. Or you can book a counselling session at HCDS. For free. Because you already paid for it in all kinds of fees, duh, so why not use it?
Seriously, go talk to a counsellor if your life is fucking you up. That shit is not appropriate for your peers to deal with.
If having friends and talking don’t quite quench your loneliness, and neither does having a right hand, you can venture into the SHRC, located in the G-spot of the JDUC. You might be able to find a replacement for “love” and “sex” for a minimal cost by getting yourself a pet rubber duck – now in pink!
And if at any time you have complaints about anything, such as sexism, racism, the patriarchy and rape culture on campus, or about your prof’s dog chewing up your paper so the 100 turned into a 0, there’s almost always a way to complain to someone and get what you want. The AMS feeds on negativity.
A final tip for enhancing your sanity in this lovely university: choose your print media wisely. Hint: read Golden Words, and Golden Words only.

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