Editorial: Reasons I Have Friends

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This thanksgiving, I went through several soul searching conversations with various people about what I am thankful for. The consensus has been generally that people are thankful for their parents, professors, food, the weather, and friends. All of the above are either forced upon me – I mean, given to me by the love of some deity or the laws of physics or something – or is necessary to my survival, except for the category of “friends”.
I had to think deep about why I am thankful for having friends, or why I even have friends in the first place. Which brings us to my sad, traumatic childhood. Nah, just kidding. My childhood was pretty awesome. However, due to the one child policy of China, I never got any siblings, and I am always thankful for that because I never wanted other little shits to fuck up my privileges at home.
When I discovered that other people had siblings, I was thoroughly confused and horrified. What do you mean by “I have to share all my toys with someone”? What do you mean by “my mom is busy taking care of my baby sister so she didn’t do my princess hair in the morning”? What do you mean by “my parents think my brother is way smarter and better than me and I’ll always be the no-good brat of the house”? These foreign thoughts were horrifying to me.
I thought that having assigned play-partners-for-life was cruel and scary. Even as a young child, I disliked many people – especially people who resembled me. If I was stuck with siblings whom I disliked, life would be depressing. That’s when I realized the ultimate benefit of being an only child: you can choose your own friends that you can get rid of at any time! And that’s exactly what I did.
In elementary school, Sarah’s friend Kim had chicken pox and didn’t come to school for a few days. I approached Sarah and said “Kim thinks you’re ugly and makes her feel sick, that’s why she’s taking sick days from school. It’s okay, don’t cry, I think you’re nice. I’ll be your friend.” That’s how I got my first friend. Sarah was a sweet girl; she would always give me her apple that her mom always packed her for lunch because I told her worms were hidden under the label sticker.
In middle school, Jack wanted to be my boyfriend. I thought friends are pretty nice, and I’m not sexist about the gender of my friends, so I said sure. I told him that as long as he physically stayed at least a meter away from me, he could be my boyfriend. We were great friends before his mom confiscated his nintendo DS which I liked to borrow very much.
After all these years, I’ve become an expert in having friends. I have friends in all my classes since I dropped the class where I didn’t have any. My friends make sure I wake up before a lecture when I take naps on the Stirling couches, they let me eat the cherries from their QP sangria, and they let me live with them as long as I pay rent. I am forever thankful of having friends. I love you all.

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