Editorial: SMASH BROS!


I am about to take you on a long, emotional journey deep into the heart of a man who has a problem. I – Joe Craib – am really shitty at Super Smash Bros.
This is not an understatement. I’m fairly certain I have won like two games in the entire time I’ve been playing the game. Of course, I’m not 100% on this figure, but I am absolutely sure it’s less than five. Now, I could have made this article about how I’m shit at all video games that aren’t NBA Live 06 for gamecube or Mario Kart. However, this is more justifiable – most games have a degree of difficulty to them; levels to beat, accomplishments to earn, people to shoot, whatever you do in Portal. But to be shit at goddamn Super Smash Bros is a freakin embarrassment. I should know.
I think the root cause of this issue is the fact that I’m not that experienced with video games, at least compared to the average Canadian male under 30. When I was a kid, I was raised in a mountain shack separated completely from society while my parents grew organic beets. Ok, thats not entirely true. But I was raised in the country where there wasn’t a lot going on. Whenever I asked my parents for a video game console (such as that brand-spankin-new PS2) my mom’s excuse was always either “our TV doesn’t have the proper jacks to plug one in”,  which is horseshit; or “video games are too violent”, which is probably true but also horseshit.
I got by playing games at friend’s houses for most of my childhood and adolescence, whilst my younger brother got every fucking game system and game he asked for from the age of seven. AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW, HE’S BETTER THAN ME AT GAMES. HOW SHOCKING.
I shit you not that the first time I played Smash Bros was Grade 12, when it was “nostalgic” for my friends, but for me it was brand new. I had no clue what I was doing. And I STILL DON’T.  My strategy can best be described as “mash buttons”. I don’t really know what the Konami Code is, but I’ve definitely stumbled upon it accidentally to stop Captain Falcon from FALLING OFF THE FUCKING EDGE LIKE A DICKBAG!
UP B! UP B! You motherfucker!
I like to strategically schedule smash bros games around times when I and my housemates are drunk. That way, when I’m shitty I can blame it on being drunk, though I’m sure my housemates have caught on that it is eerily similar to my sober play. Also, they’ll probably read this editorial. Shit.
The worst is how socially expected playing smash bros has become at university. Never mind drinking culture, what about N64 culture? Most people just expect you to be able to walk into a room, pick up the controller and start dishing out some cartoon violence. But you have no idea what it’s like to have the anxiety of trying to remember which characters have powers you actually know and pray to God that the map isn’t Donkey Kong’s jungle or that fucking lava one.
So if anyone wants to play NBA Live 06, I’m totally down. Otherwise, consider this editorial an invitation to suck my dick, Smash Bros.