Editorial: Snapchat!


Since it took off about a year ago, many people I know (including myself – meta) have been using the popular app called Snapchat. For those of you who don’t know what snapchat is (hi Mom!), look it up, dumbass. If you think this is a newspaper for facts, you can get the fuck out.
Now that they’re all gone, I’ll continue. And by continue, I mean rant on about how Snapchat is an evil service that must be destroyed!
First let’s start with the implication behind each and every ‘snap’ that is sent. Say someone sends you a snap that’s clearly meant for an audience larger than just yourself. Let’s suppose it’s a picture of a martini glass at a bar and the text reads “drinks with the best!”. How the fuck am I supposed to respond to that? If I’m not drinking (yes, there is a surprising low probability of that at 2pm on a Wednesday), then I literally have nothing in common with this so-called ‘friend’. Snapchat completely ignores normal conversational structure. It doesn’t allow for the proper question-and-answer or long-winded story archetypes that dominate the conversational paradigm in the western world. Instead, I’m supposed to come up with a normal response to these anti-conversation starters. Even if I do, what kind of face should I be making? You can’t just send a blank face over snapchat, because it will kill a conversation. Oftentimes, I’ll just take a picture of the floor and write text over it.
Maybe it’s just me. But maybe it’s not. Maybe everyone is sick of being stuck in this cycle of anti-conversation. But, nay, Snapchat holds you in the grips of its social networking in the name of ‘staying popular’. Whatever that means. I mean, do I even want to be friends with a bunch of people who sit around on their phones all day? I think not! I’m gonna get off this couch, put some pants on, and go find some real friends.
Wow, what a lovely day it is outside. Too bad all of these people with their eyes glued to their devices can’t stop to look at it. Mmmmm. Do you smell that? No, you can’t, because this is a newspaper. But let me tell you this garbage pile outside my house is worth a sniff.
Hey, who’s that I see? A person with no phone? Its a miracle! He’s over there, sitting on that bench, feeding those pigeons. He looks kind of elderly, but whatever – maybe he’s wise.
“Hello, good sir,” I say to him. “Are you from the CIA?” he responds, rather aggressively. “No, sorry, I’m not,” I reply.
“Good!” he says. “You know they put tracking devices in everyone’s phones nowadays?! They can follow your every move. And whenever you put your phone up to talk to someone, that tracking device goes into your brain and you get turned into a CIA drone! So you can’t trust anyone! The pigeons are my only friends now. Or, should I say, for now.”
Fuck, I think to myself. This man has all the answers! I decided to send a Snapchat to all of my friends of me and this old man giving the finger to the world. “That’ll show ’em,” I thought to myself. But this old guy just freaked out, grabbed my phone, and ate it, saying that the CIA was already onto me and that I had to save myself, for the good of the human race.
That sounded like a crock of shit so I went home and wrote this really fragmented editorial about the experience. So if you’re reading this…this is why I’m not responding to your snapchats. Because it’s totally true and not a shitty excuse.