Editorial: The End is Nigh


Well, that’s it. Say goodbye to your loved ones, grab all the canned beans and twinkies you can carry, and head down into the other part of the basement, because the apocalypse is upon us.


And it’s about damn time!


Every year, some lunatic – be them a religious zealot or an ancient meso-american civilization, says the world is gonna end. And it never does. Frankly, I’d all but given up on the End of Days. Until this week that is, when I realized that we’ve finally brought upon our own reckoning in the goddamn stupidest of ways: people choosing not to vaccinate their kids.


The reason, of course, is that people would rather their children die of antiquated, formerly-wiped-out diseases than be just a little too “special”. The theory goes that the mass inoculation of children in the past 50 years has led to the rise in Autism rates in the Western world. It’s the same logic that says that, since I started going to the gym 5 years ago, thousands of people have died of cancer. Coincidence, I think not!


Through further research I discovered that this pseudo-scientific movement has been getting mainstream attention and acceptance for nearly a decade now. However, just this past week it came to light that a certain Queen’s professor who I won’t name (so lets just call her something vague, like Melody Torcolacci) has been presenting lectures on the dangers of vaccination in her first year course. And what’s worse is that she teaches APSC 112!


Just kidding, she teaches Health Studies. You know, like the opposite of death, which is what happens when you get the measles and let it loose in Disneyland.


Did I mention that one of the largest outbreaks currently happening in the USA can be traced back to Disneyland? Holy shit, that’s some prime Screenplay 101 irony right there. Except its fucking real. This is not one of those times where the media takes a small incident and blows it up with big flashy graphics to create a panic in the lonely senior citizens who still watch/ read the news. By the way, that reminds me…


Hi old people! How are you feeling ?…I said HOW ARE YOU FEELING?… Alright, jeez, you don’t need to be racist. Did you hear about how rich Westerners are choosing not to vaccinate their kids because of a thoroughly-debunked rumour?… Yes, the same vaccines that back in your day were a miracle and stopped kids from getting Polio, Measles, Smallpox and hosts of other crippling diseases…I know right?…OK, stop it with the racism…Ya ya, I’ll call you K bye.


So in closing, rather than zombies, supervolcanoes or an asteroid that Bruce Willis couldn’t blow up in time, the apocalypse will slowly consume us by spreading diseases that used to only be in history books. Oh well, we had a good 10,000 year run, didn’t we civilization? Anyway, I’m not going to be a pessimist – instead I’m throwing a rager this weekend as sort of a going away party for humanity. BYOB, as well as BYOVC (bring your own vaccination card).